Five Signs You're About to Get Dumped

1. "Work is crazy."

A clear sign that things aren't going particularly well with your partner is when, suddenly, work is all they care about. You remember when you first started dating, work was just a weekday inconvenience that prevented you from spending every second together, and you would both be clock watching for 5:30 when you could shoot onto the tube and meet for a dinner that lasted hours.

Those days seem to have ended, and rather abruptly. You're not quite sure how it happened, but suddenly your other half is very concerned about getting that promotion and, apparently, you have "no idea" how much pressure they are under. Three hour dinners have been replaced by ready meals and shit TV while sex, well, let's just say it's been put on the back burner as your partner has a really early start tomorrow. And late a finish. Is it any wonder they're too tired for romance?

2. "Sorry, I can't."

In an effort to rekindle the fire that once was, you make an extra effort to send through some witty articles, suggest things to do on the weekend and even think ahead to the summer and forward on some particularly good holiday deals. What messages would have been met with appreciation, or at the very least a "lol", are for the most part ignored, or else shot down effortlessly.

You discover your partner is actually a very busy person. And, for one that doesn't plan ahead, they have made several unmovable plans and "I promised so-and-so we would so something"s without you knowing. On top of all that, despite the extra hours they've been putting at work, your partner is inexplicably broke. And without any free time or money, how can you expect them to be able to do anything with you?

3. "What message?"

You move into a different stage of "almost dumped" when getting ignored progresses to your partners' full on denial of the receipt of any of your messages. You've accepted that a YouTube video of a panda waving may not warrant a response every time, but when you ask whether they have plans this evening, or ask advice on some tax thing you don't understand, and finally ask "what's the matter?" and don't receive a response to any of these questions, alarm bells start to ring.

You finally ask face-to-face why they haven't been responding to your messages and you're met with a wide-eyed look of innocence as they say, "what messages?". Obviously there was something wrong with the Vodafone network this morning, and there have been issues with the latest iPhone software, and are you really sure you sent the message to begin with? Yeah, that's right. Take a long hard look at yourself.

4. "How have I been weird?"

A couple of things have been a little... off lately with your relationship. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it's about time to take it up with your other half. You sit down, calmly, and explain that things have been a little strange, and you're starting to wonder why. The explanations of work being crazy, being booked up with plans with friends, being broke, and not receiving your messages are briefly discussed and you sigh impatiently.

They throw up their hands, and ask you with a bewildered expression how you think they have been acting weird. You might have asked why they've been walking around wearing a scuba suit, smoking a pipe, all the while carrying around a fat, ginger cat. The reaction seems a little disproportionate to the question. And of course, because there has been no scuba suit/pipe/ginger cat, it's a little difficult to put into words how exactly they have been acting weird. How can one describe "weird" anyway?

5. "I promise, when things die down..."

That's it. You've had enough of the excuses and you sit down with your other half and ask what the fuck is going on.

Your partner's face changes. They touch your hand and admit (finally!) that things have been a little strange lately. What's more, they promise that they're going to make it up to you. That band you've been wanting to see? They're going to book tickets. That restaurant you've been meaning to try out? They're taking you next week. And on top of all of that, they throw in the suggestion of going on a mini-break, to "get back to us". We all know a mini-break means true love, so what are you worrying about?

Yeah, sorry dude, you're about to get dumped. Grab the cat and go.