If I have one weakness, other than kryptonite, chubby nerds and tequila, it is shopping. Along with numerous "deal" mailers, I am subscribed to over 20 different shops that email me up to three times a day. Along with requests to choose a Chinese bride ("before it's too late!" most likely due to human rights violation) my Hotmail is often inundated with emails filled to the brim with juicy discounts on popular brands, updates on what Kate wore yesterday, and upcoming trends from unafforable designers. Trends, by the way, that are often so extravagant that I only stare at my screen in wonder before shuddering as I imagine myself in leather trousers, platformed trainers and an Aztec jumper.
These emails often lead to hours trawling online, filling up "imaginary" shopping baskets that I never dare to enter my credit card details into. Despite this, I thoroughly enjoy trawling through my emails, as though in some way I am gaining something by knowing that Jennifer Garner's Golden Globes dress was "too young".
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| So satisfying, so dangerous. A bit like heroin. I mean, not exactly like heroin, but a bit. No? |
Shopping in the real world, i.e. in the actual shops as opposed to cyberspace, can be daunting, if not overwhelming. I try to limit myself to twice a month, as since cash is a rarely seen commodity, I use my card as if money doesn't exist and it's just a bunch of numbers. (Don't try to tell me otherwise, accountants.)
Jeans shopping is the most hateful kind of shopping. In my trauma of trying on one pair, I bought three so I would never have to come back. However, one can also find glee where one doesn't expect it. I bought a skirt which I tried on without looking at the size, only to find that it is a size smaller than my regular size at Topshop. Ah, thinking about it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, this is rare, and so why do we put ourselves through the trauma of hopping up and down in a smelly dressing room telling ourselves "Once I've lost weight/done my hair/can afford a leather jacket - this will look great,"?
Purchase Regret is a common symptom of shopping, and one that all shoppers suffer at one stage or another. A yellow scrunchie? What were you thinking!? And food shopping is no different. Dreaming that you are the next Heston Blumenthal does not make you the next Heston Blumenthal. Buying 8 picture frames to serve pickled foam on is never a good idea, woe betide the person that buys Sea Sounds: A Compilation to accompany them.
Shopping, whether it be online or in store, has an unequivocal hatred for all consumers. It wants them to buy, regardless if they get a crippling self-loathing whenever they see items, untouched, at the bottom of their wardrobe. Tags still on, of course.
The moral of these ever familiar tales? Join a convent, shop only using hard cash or work on that pearly white smile to accompany the smooth lie, "I'm sorry, but it doesn't quite fit.".
