How often do we think about sex?

According to really scientific and super official studies, men think about sex approximately every seven minutes. Curious about this well known uber-fact, I donned secretary type glasses and asked a wide selection of male friends how often they thought about sex. Recordings of two of the conversations that I had are written verbatim below.

Man #1
Man #1: Well I'm thinking about it right now. With Charlize Theron. Doggy style.
Me: Yes, but isn't that because I just asked you how many times you thought about it?
M#1: Right, yeah.
[Pause]
Me: So, how many times in your average day does sex enter your mind?
M#1: It's not that it enters my mind, it's like the thought of sex is always there, lying dormant, and while I can think of other things, I never actually stop thinking about it.
Me: Seriously? You are saying that you never stop thinking about sex?
M#1: Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that... But basically, yeah. [Coughs] Is any other very personal and embarrassing information you want to record on that little device?
Me: What device?
M#1: I can see it poking out your bag.
[Pause]
Me: It's an electric period pain soother.
M#1: Oh, right, err, right.
Me: [quietly] Works every time.
M#1: What?
Me: Nothing.


Man #2
Man #2: Hmm. I would say I think about it every four minutes? [Pause] Not in loads of detail. It's like it kind of swings into my mind to say hello, and then swings out again.
Me: That's an interesting choice of word.
M#2: What?
Me: Swing. Tell me, have you indulged in any sexual fantasies involving swinging with other couples at swingers clubs?
M#2: No! Stef, what the f-
Me: You recall how I asked you to call me Doctor Shecks before this session began?
M#2: What session? What in God's name-
Me: Do you?
[Pause]
M#2: Yes, Doctor Shecks. Look, doctor, I gave you my information, can we just move on and talk about something else now?
M#2: One more question. [Pause] In these - swinging thoughts- have you ever thought about having sex with me?
M#2: No, not really.
Me: Not once?
M#2: Well of course once! I think about having sex with every girl I meet once.
Me: Even your mother?
M#2: [shouting] WHAT?
Me: From our session, I have concluded that you have an unhealthy sexual appetite, suppressed Oedipal wishes and an inability to be monogamous, which can be seen from your love of attending swingers clubs and events.
M#2: [coughing and spluttering]

From my personal scientific and official study, I discovered that men think about sex a lot. It varies from person to person, but I can safely say that I do not know a single man that doesn't think about sex at least once a day (lying in bed with a wondering mind counts, boys). Shocked? Of course not. It is a widely known fact that men think about sex all the time, can't think about anything else, and that the majority of their decisions are made with their penis.

Okay, this guy probably thinks about sex a teeny bit more than average.

However, I conducted another scientific and official and really smart study on women. And the results were basically the same. Women think about sex all the time, can't think about anything else, and the majority of their decisions are made with their... what am I talking about? Women are incapable of making decisions. Still lots of similarties. Except that women were found more likely to think about sex with a specific, and more importantly, real person, and focused more on past sexual experiences.

And some women really do think with their hoo ha.

Woman #1
Woman #1: When I think of sex, I'm not thinking about just sex. I could be thinking about sex with my ex and how lovely that was, or sex with that gross guy and how embarrassed I was to find out how amazing that was, or sex in public or-
Me: Where in public?
W#1: Is this off the record?
Me: Sure.
W#1: In the Sainsbury's c** p***.
Me: What?! Ha. Haha. [Hysterical laughter]
W#1: What? What about the location of your first sexual experience?
[Silence]
Me: That is the end of the session, thank you very much for spending your time with Doctor Shecks.


Woman #2
Me: So how often do you think about sex?
W#2: Jesus, I've only just sat down... [Pause] A lot. Too much. I'm thinking about it right now.
Me: With your boyfriend?
W#2: Err. Yes. Of course, yes.
Me: Not that guy at work with the muscular arms?
[Pause]
Me: God, you don't have to glare at me like that, I was just asking an innocent question.
W#2: With you, it's never innocent.

My discovery lead me to believe, as I have always secretly expected, that women have more intricate and complicated minds than men and that is the reason for our more specific thoughts on sex. Overall though, I think men are labelled a little unfairly as 'sex obsessed' when women are just as bad. So the next time a guy makes a vulgar joke and the women around him scoff, you can point your finger right at them and say "yeah, like you weren't thinking it!". If references are needed simply quote 'Stef's Super Specific Sexual Study 2011'.

There's nothing wrong with it ladies. If you need more proof just listen to Marilyn Monroe who said

"Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature."

The Most Effective Way to Shift the Pounds!

I am currently suffering, yes suffering from tonsillitis. I cannot eat, I can barely swallow and I randomly break out in cold sweats without warning. It is not a fun illness, but I was always a positive person so here's my attempt at making light of a terrible situation in which I cannot even comfort eat. 


P.S. (pre script) You have to imagine an American saying the following for it to have any comedic effect. Try Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, remember her?

Now do you remember her? It doesn't matter, you get the idea.

Over the last three days, I have lost 5lbs (and counting) by lying in bed all day watching rom-com after rom-com. I hear doubt over the cyberwaves, but it is true. And how did I manage it? By contracting tonsillitis of course!

What is tonsillitis?
For those who don't know tonsillitis is a yucky illness that makes your tonsils swell up to the size of golf balls and causes pus to cover your tonsils and tongue. Eww! It also causes, like, flu like symptoms making you lethargic, nauseated, shivery, then, like, hot, then shivery all day long. Along with that goes a huge pounding headache that feels a bit like Sunday mornings, but it doesn't go away. I know, sounds awful right? But in reality, it's totally awesome- you lose tons and tons of weight!

How does it work?
As your tonsils are so swollen, swallowing, like, anything hurts, so it's best to stick to, like, ice cubes which soothe the throat or hot teas. Yummy! Chicken soup is, like, mama's recommended medicine if you get hungry, but tonsillitis throws your appetite anyway so you probably won't. Yay! And despite not eating anything, your reaction to the antibiotics the doctor puts you on will have you running to the ladies room ten times a day! Amazing!

How do I get it?
For a quick way to lose weight, why not give tonsillitis a try? The great thing about tonisillitis is that it's super easy to get hold of, and totally free! The best way to contract it is to be in close contact with someone who has it and by wearing down your immune system with long walks in the rain with no clothes on. Or better yet, french kiss someone with the illness right after an ice cold bath! Super fun!

For more information go to:
www.iamastupidamericanthatwilldoanythingtoloseweight.com/exceptnoteatingcheeseburgers

Or for ways to deal with weight issues go to:
www.fuckyouimnotthatfat.com/okaybutgodthinksimpretty