Seven Classes of Relationship

We all heard the news that sent most of South West England into an identity crisis, the severity of which hasn't been seen since the Liberal Democrats were actually voted into government. The latest potentially crushing news for the British population is that rather than having 3 classes, Upper, Middle and Working, we now have 7 classes that every member of our great country can be pigeon-holed into. After a sudden burst of suicides from members of the former Middle Class that were demoted to Emerging Working Class, we were all left questioning - where does that leave me?

Somewhere between reading about Class 3 (You'll Be Paying Your Mortgage Until You Die) and Class 6 (No More Benefits For You Sucker) I got to thinking. If class brackets have been stratified to fit in every member of society, should relationship brackets not be similarly stratified? It's not as simple as the days of Bridget Jones where one was either a Smug Married or a Singleton. Instead, our relationship status could be anything from "seeing someone" to "in a relationship in London, in another relationship in Bristol" or even "Lesbian on Sundays". Considering the approach that we have towards relationships in this day and age, I thought it only appropriate to suggest up to date relationship "classes" that encompass society as we know it. Which class are you in?

1. Elite Relationship

You go to bed at night and wake up every morning next to the same person, and this makes you feel fulfilled. You have much in common with your other half, but not too much. You are utterly devoted to each other without being obsessed with each other, and when they give you that look, you get butterflies in your stomach.

Common Fears: Death. It's the only thing that could ever affect your relationship.

Associates With: Other couples.

Hobbies: Going to the opera together, going to champagne bars together, together, together...

2. Comfortable Relationship

It's not what you dreamed of when you were 12 years old, but it ain't half bad. When he doesn't fart in front of you, it's kind of perfect.

Common Fears: Wondering you're missing out if the grass is greener elsewhere... And that your partner is thinking the same thing.

Associates With: Each other.

Hobbies: Cooking together, watching movies together, waxing each other.

3. Dubious Relationship

Most commonly referred to as "seeing each other" the relationship line is completely blurred when it comes to you two. Are you, aren't you? Who the hell cares, you love the way they smell.

Common Fears: Falling in love.

Associates With: Large groups, rarely seen alone in public.

Hobbies: Going to parties, going to the pub, spending a lot of time in bed - not sleeping.

4. Lily Pad Relationship

It's not a phrase one yet hears in common conversation, but you will. "Boyfriend? no, I'm just lily padding at the moment." One who 'lily pads' jumps from relationship to relationship with little to no gap in between. When one lily pad seems a little boring - have no fear, the next one is already lined up ready and waiting for you to jump.

Common Fears: Running out of lily pads.

Associates With: Friends of the opposite sex.

Hobbies: Dinners, drinks and social events with opportunities to meet new people.

5. Single on Weekends

By day, you are a devoted and caring partner. You respond to messages, you make little jokes, you even go out your way to make the odd phone call, just to show you care. By night, you are little minx, indulging in heavy petting on dance floors and drunken trysts in bathrooms with people that are definitely not your partner. It's dirty, it's shameful - and you love every minute of it.

Common Fears: Getting caught.

Associates With: Friends who are a bad influence.

Hobbies: [Weekdays] Going to the gym, watching Homeland, cooking. [Weekends] Going clubbing, doing body shots off sexy strangers, getting handsy.

6. Single

You don't need anyone else to make you feel good. You go out, you have fun, you work hard and you feel totally satisfied. You'd be happy to meet someone, but only if they're good enough for you. Sure, you're a little insecure about it, and yes, Sundays can be hard without someone to snuggle up to and read the papers with. But at least you don't have someone on your back talking about the value of "listening".

Common Fears: Dying alone, STIs.

Associates With: Friends.

Hobbies: Hosting movie nights, going out with friends and loitering around crowded bars.

7. Dumped

You are technically single, but you are nowhere near the point where you can begin to feel good about it. You were thrown out in the gutter, not literally but figuratively at least. Your heart hurts from the heartbreak, your head hurts from the drinking, and your stomach hurts from the ice cream. 

Common Fears: Showering, sobriety, bumping into your ex when you look like shit. 

Associates With: Ben and Jerry.

Hobbies: Listening to Coldplay whilst crying, burning photos of your ex, sleeping.

Relationship Status: In a Smug Relationship

Spring has sprung, apparently, though wading through the snow last week, I would have never believed it. It's that time of year where birds start a-chirping, lambs start a-birthing and everybody generally gets a little  more a-horny. It's no surprise, therefore, that almost everyone I know is in a relationship.Christmas when you're single can be painful, but at least you can drink through it without much judgement. No such amnesty in April, which perhaps explains this strange yearly phenomenon.

Now, tell me again how to find my clitoris?

It would be bearable, albeit irritating, if we lived in 1922 where couples kissing were seen only in the privacy of people's homes. But we don't. As if it's not bad enough seeing couples necking each other on a park bench, we now have to see it on an escalator, in a bar, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. Bridget Jones was the first to note the debilitating effects that couples can have on the world in her description of 'Smug Marrieds', and not much has changed in terms of the nauseating effects that couples can have. Look couples, it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship, but do you have to be so smug about it?

Smug alert #1
The internet knows you are in a relationship.

Like the weak friend of an alcoholic, the internet is an enabler - of smugness. Just because you now have a boyfriend, you feel the need to "check in" to every single place you go. Oh, how lovely, you went out for afternoon tea! And then to the park?! What a delightful relationship you are in. Gosh, I almost missed that - an entire album on Facebook dedicated to you pulling funny faces in front of your webcam! You cats are crazy!

Elvis Presley has checked in at the Heartbreak Hotel.
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There is something to be said for the fact that if you spend your entire relationship updating the internet on your whereabouts/matching outfits/nutrition, you must not have a whole lot of time left over for the real stuff. But on the other hand, you guys have done a good job in making everyone else feel depressed at how much fun you're having. We can all scorn it, but making funny faces in front of your webcam can be pretty sad when you're on your own.

Smug alert #2
The internet knows the annual income of your boyfriend.

Hey, look at me with my Chanel bag, it's from my boyfriend. Hey, look at me on my boyfriend's private jet. Hey, look at me in my new car, it's from my boyfriend. Hey, look at me instagramming the wreckage of my new car, my boyfriend was totally cool about it and bought me another one. Hey, look at me in this exclusive club with my boyfriend, drinking from a £100 bottle of vodka the size of his penis. Look at me. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!

The epitome of "look at me"

It doesn't just reek of desperation, it screams insecurity and despite quality of the wonderful items that are being flaunted, we can't help but feel sorry for the ladies in question. And yes, just the teensiest bit jealous.

Smug alert #3
No one remembers your boyfriend's real name.

We all have nicknames. Some are ones we've been stuck with since school when kids managed to rhyme your name with a bodily function or male genitalia. Either way, I don't know anyone that really likes their nickname - but why do people in relationships insist on it? Couples have nicknames for each other that makes the innocent bystander produce bile against their will. Pukkum Pie? Moomoo? And worst of all - Sausage. For a reason unbeknownst to me, Sausage is a very popular pet name for couples in the Western world. Never mind the fact that it rolls of the tongue, it's the food that looks most like a penis.

Perhaps nicknames are a way for serial monogamists to never get the name of their partner wrong, or perhaps there's something about the cute factor of a sausage that I just don't get. Regardless of the reason for it, will the offenders please just stop it. STOP IT, ya hear?

I suppose everyone has the right to be smug in their respective relationships, because everyone deserves to be happy and to get that moment where they think, "I am so lucky I found him/her." But then the rest of us have a right to mock vomit in a waste paper basket at everyone else's happiness.

Alright, I'm bitter, now bugger off.