Michael Bublé's Christmas; My Kind of Christmas

To some people Michael Bublé is their guilty pleasure. To me, Michael Bublé is simply my pleasure. His voice, like melted chocolate, will jolt women’s ovaries into overdrive as he rumbles his way smoothly through Christmas classics on his latest Christmas album.

His wife had better know how lucky she is. And how perilous her life is.

The album includes all the best Christmas songs, harking back to the days of Crosby, Sinatra and Nat King Cole. Santa Claus is Coming to Town opens with a simple bass and high hat before the brass band introduces itself midway through the first verse. Innovations like this make Bublé’s Christmas album a must have for this Christmas. Drunk uncles everywhere will be absolutely loving Michael Bublé’s swingin’ version of Jingle Bells which could have been taken directly from a 1940s Christmas party; you can almost hear the show girls’ feathers ruffling. My personal favourite is Bublé’s version of Cynthia Basinet’s Santa Baby, in which he makes Basinet’s original Christmas list every so slightly more masculine – though I would love to see Bublé in sable.

Little Sandy sought therapy after she found this under the tree at Christmas.

The best part of Michael Bublé’s rendition of the Christmas greats, is that while they are all immediately recognisable, he makes them sound fresh and quite literally jazzes them up. Think Louis Prima – his songs were repeatedly covered by swing musicians, but no one else had that tsa tsa tzu largely created by his Italianisms and penchant for brass. Rather than Italianisms, Canadian born and bred Michael Bublé has his Michael Bubléisms that create the same kind of musical magic that can be attributed to very few swing artists.

Strings are also well represented in the Christmas Album. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas will give your guaranteed goosebumps and an immediate craving for a warm fire and glass of mulled wine.

There is a little something for everyone, however, and Bublé does not limit himself to swing. He covers Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas and includes a few more modern Christmas songs such as the Hispanic Feliz Navidad and his very own Cold December Night.

A timeless album to put on the Christmas playlist for hopelessly drunk Christmas Days everywhere.

Are we being a bit harsh to Liz Jones?

Before I begin to concentrate on writing a thought provoking yet charmingly witty article on the recent subject of controversy that is Liz Jones, I will have to admit to you all that I read the Daily Mail. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with reading a bit of a 'righty' paper with what people see as slightly  'bigoty' opinions, but I have been publicly lambasted and ridiculed for reading the Daily Mail. In my younger years, I didn't know that such harsh judgement could be passed on you for the newspaper that you read, until I started learning politics at school. There was a stunned silence when I revealed that I read (and quite enjoyed reading) the Daily Mail broken only by a slightly obnoxious girl in my class who interjected with, "So I suppose you agree with the death penalty then, do you?" smirking as she said it.
I simply looked her deep in the eye in the manner of Hannibal Lector and said, "For some people, yes." Ha, only joking. That's one of the things I wish I had thought of doing at the time. Instead, as I remember it, I went a bit red and mumbled something like, "I find the weekly columnists funny..." 
And indeed I did. I still do, but now I'm at university I have learnt to keep those opinions to myself if I want to be invited to the next university newspaper social. No wonder I rarely speak at the weekly meetings.


I am, however, no longer a committed Daily Mail-ist as my job begs me to read all the newspapers that ever were to make sure I am writing balanced articles for Blottr. Occasionally though, I find myself reading through some of my ever so slightly controversial opinions and thinking, "Oops, I Liz Jonesed that one." 

To 'Liz Jones'
1. To publicise a controversial opinion.
[e.g. I Liz Jonesed at dinner and now my mother has removed me
from her will.]
2. To steal a man's sperm.
[e.g. I'll Liz Jones him if he doesn't propose soon.]

No matter how much I may sometimes channel Ms Jones in my writing, many of my opinions differ from hers drastically. Now, for those of you who have read my blog before, you'll be aware that I firmly disagree with Jones on her opinion on sex: "The only reason [women] have sex is to get a man, keep a man, steal his sperm and flatter ourselves that we are attractive." I, on the other hand believe that the only reason women have sex is to please ourselves (yes, Liz, some of us enjoy the act of sex), please our man, and flatter ourselves that we are attractive. You've got to admit, sex is a brilliant ego boost.


But let me move on to the controversial Liz Jonesism of the day. 

"Because he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him ... The 'theft' itself was alarmingly easy to carry out. One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo."

Wait. Hold it. So the man she is with says outright he does not want a child and she, ignoring his views, steals his sperm and gets herself pregnant with what one can only imagine was a gruesome kind of handstand/jumping manouvre. I think I can say with absolute certainty that this act is considered universally as "not cool". Or, if you'd rather, a gross violation of a man's trust and ejaculation.


When speaking to my lover about how he would feel if I stole his sperm without permission, he said, "If women have the right to steal our sperm to impregnate themselves whenever they want, then I say men should have the right to impregnate women whenever they want. It's like legitimising rape." He finished defiantly. Suddenly a shadow passed over his face and he looked at me with suspicion and said, "You're still on the pill, aren't you?" I assured him that yes, yes I was and at the ripe old age of 20, children are the last thing on my mind. Little does he know that I spend the hours when I can't get to sleep planning my wedding. (Shut up, we all do it. Don't we?) I had to then tell him that I was not actually considering stealing his sperm and was talking about Liz Jones as the cross he was holding and garlic around his neck suggested to me he did not trust my motives.


Now don't get your pitchforks out, but I think we're all being a little bit harsh to Liz Jones. Of course you will disagree with her, of course you will think she's a crazy person, of course you will shudder with horror when trying to imagine how the blinding fuck she managed to impregnate herself (suggest turkey baster) but the woman's got spunk. Literally. No matter how many people dislike her, she always writes with humour and flare (with some exceptions- note her moaning columns about life in the countryside, yawn) even when she's wrong about everything she says. It's still an opinion isn't it? And while she may not be a feminist, or indeed a realist, really she's done all women a huge favour in publicly discussing her craziest moment because now we all look like saints in comparison.

Onto another point, was taking a man's sperm really so bad of her? It's not like he was going to use it as an adhesive. And, by ejaculating into a condom, he has chosen that his sperm is regarded by him as a waste product, so why shouldn't it be used by someone who wants it? Children are regarded by some as a beautiful gift and once you reach a certain age, this gift is harder and harder to come by. Why go through the trauma of getting impregnated by the sperm of an anonymous man who could be Toothless Dave you buy your cigarettes from? Futhermore, the likelihood is Liz Jones will not be successful in her endeavour to get herself pregnant as condoms are laced with horrible things like spermicide and whatnot to ensure women's ovens remain bun-less. Now Liz Jones is the one getting lambasted on Twitter, but does the punishment fit the crime?

When she said, "your birthday present is inside me," this
was definitely not what he expected.

She's a crazy lady that Liz Jones, no denying that, but we're all a bit crazy/criminally insane. If every woman wrote down the most messed up thing that they ever did Liz Jones would come out as a mildly nuts woman in the light of all our bat-shit crazy misdemeanors, and deep, deep down we all know it's true.