London Christmas Shoppers: The Rules

I don't know how many of you have braved the streets of Central London to find Christmas gifts for your loved ones, but if you have, you have my deepest sympathies. Christmas shopping, which used to be a rather pleasant affair to be accompanied by tea and biscuits in the afternoon, is now a bloodbath of inconsiderate shoppers who will stop at nothing to piss each other off.

Is it really worth all the risks?

I myself headed to Oxford Circus yesterday after a bit of cash came my way. I hopped on the bus from East London and the sight of Christmas decorations and the dark London streets touched a romantic nerve in my bitter and cynical body and I'll admit to you all - I was excited. After having been in Birmingham for several months straight, I craved the sight my home city and during my journey on the number 8 bus, got rather worked up as the bright lights and glamorous shops of Oxford Circus came into view. I hopped off the bus, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and was ambushed. That's the only way I can describe it. Hoards and hoards of people came at me from every direction, seeming not to notice me, swinging bags and gesticulating wildly. Being a London girl, I managed to recover quickly and made my way to the nearest shop before lighting up to take in the action. Once I found a gap in the throngs of people, I joined the crowd heading towards Bond Street and that, dear reader, is when the anger struck. I felt what can only be described as burning hatred towards every person in front of me that forced me to dodge and weave my way towards my desired destination, Selfridges.

The Selfridges Christmas decorations - untainted by hoards of shoppers.

I finally arrived flustered and seething with anger. I stalked past Chanel and Jimmy Choo and went straight downstairs for a free espresso (in case you didn't already know: Nespresso, Food and Dining section. Ask a trainee for a sample). This is very unlike me. I could spend hours lingering amongst luxurious leathers I will never be able to afford, but on this occasion, I simply had to calm down. How can Christmas shoppers cause so much distress? I thought. Then I realised. I am one of them. After pausing to think after my espresso, I thought, it would be great if someone made a list of rules for Christmas shoppers to follow, outlining simple etiquette that should be followed by every person making their way to London for the Christmas season. That someone is me.

Smokers

You're stressed. You're panicking. The shops close in three hours and you haven't got a gift for your mother-in-law's sister or your cousin twice removed. You need a smoke. I get it. But it is totally unacceptable to simply stop unexpectedly in the path of a fellow Christmas shopper to light a cigarette. The whole experience can be rather startling for those around you who will have to dodge and find a new system of walking on the street with a brand new obstacle in their way. It would be similar if a postbox sprung into existence in the middle of the street. Though a little less weird.

Buggy Pushers

It would be far easier if children were outlawed from the whole shopping experience, but alas, they are not, so we all have to deal with them.  It could be made a great deal less distressing for fellow walkers if you keep your buggy aimed in a straight line and do not use it as a weapon to slow down Christmas shoppers around you.

Little Jimmy's idea of Santa's grotto was greatly
confused by the appearance of Ginger Rogers.

Large Families

You all insist on forming groups so large that no one has a hope in hell of overtaking you. You walk slowly and you call out numbers to continually check that each member is there.  (If you've got a mean streak, say "where's number four?" very loudly and watch the family panic shouting "four?!" in an insane, parrot-like fashion. Devilishly fun.) As if that's not bad enough, you then proceed to stop every twenty yards to double check everyone's there. If you lose a kid in London, they'll just get taken to Hamley's and put in the Lost Children section of Lost Property. Or they'll make their way to a pub and have a hell of a time. Families should walk in single file and have faith that they'll stay connected. Failing that, shackles may be a good idea.

Arseholes

Arsehole: Are you talking to me?
Me: Yes I'm talking to you, I'm just trying to get past, would you mind terribly if you moved ever so slightly to the left?
Arsehole: Are you insulting me now?

It's wannabe de Niros like this guy that just make me want to punch someone. You can act like an arsehole back in New York, but when you're in London, oblige to common courtesy and recognise that when someone says "excuse me" they are not planning on stealing your wife, children or place in the queue and may, simply, be trying to get past.

General notes:

Be Polite: If everyone were polite to one another, the world really would be a better place. Be courteous and do not barge, bash or try to slither past other shoppers. It will only alert you to the sad fact that you aren't as thin as you thought you were.

To Take Photographs: In London, you will often find it is safer to stop on the road than the street during the busy Christmas season, so if you absolutely have to take a picture of a busker wearing a kilt, make your way to one of the concrete benches they have lining many roads in London. If there are no concrete benches, take a bloody mental picture and keep walking.

Speed: Londoners usually have this spot on, walk in a straight line, with purpose, do not barge or push and stop only in case of emergencies. (In case of desired shop entry see: Shop Entry Tactics) I'm no xenophobe, but foreigners have got to learn how to walk like a Londoner. There is far too much dilly dallying and ambling on the part of tourists, the likes of which should be made punishable by law in London.

Short of seeing this in a shop window, there is no excuse to stop.

Shop Entry Tactics: It's called the swerve. As previously stated, one should never ever stop on the streets of London, so upon approaching a shop you wish to enter, slow down, veer to the right and choose your moment to swerve smoothly into the shop of your choice.

Sorry: It has been proven to be the most used word by anyone British. Add it to your vocabulary book and use it whenever you are in doubt - you can't go wrong.

Happy Christmas shopping everyone!

Lonely Hearts Deserve to be Lonely

The other morning I was calmly browsing the Birmingham Mail when I came across the Lonely Hearts section. I proceeded to choke on my breakfast. Did a 67 year old man really ask for a between 20 and 30 year old for "no strings attached fun"?

"I've always wanted a woman with tits above her belly button."

I was saddened to find that the advertisements in the Birmingham Mail and any other newspaper with a Lonely Hearts section are all genuine. There really are people out there who, through the medium of local papers, feel it is acceptable to advertise themselves as "intelligent and sexy" or even "65 but flexible". After trawling through column after column of those who consider their hearts to be lonely, I felt disgusted. Yes, there were some relatively normal requests "lonely 30-something widower seeks companionship from intelligent lady" or "60 year old hiker seeks someone to go for long walks with", but these were few and far between. I have to say, the majority of the ads in the Lonely Hearts were simply vile and I had to wonder; who in the name of all that is holy has sent in a lonely ad, let alone found someone?

And then it hit me. My cousin and her husband met through a lonely hearts ad and they were married in 2008. Or 2009? Maybe it was 2007.

Hold on.

No, my mum doesn't know either. Anyway, the point is, they have been married for at least three years, and happily so. My cousin is a beautiful woman that simply decided to take action and find someone rather than wait around for Mr Right to show up on a white horse, Cadillac or similar. So I have to conclude that Lonely Hearts is not an entirely bad thing and, evidently, can lead to a happy marriage.

It takes a couple with balls to begin foreplay at the wedding dinner.
[NOT my cousin]

But still, I can't say that I wholly support it, simply because if they are not disgusting in request, they are very misleading and confusing. Of course, no one admits to being fat, instead everyone is "bubbly and busty" or "curvacious". But what if one is simply curvy? Would one have to lie and call oneself slim? Surely this can lead to moments of extreme disappointment when Lonely Hearts meet only to find that the "curvy blonde" they read about is, in fact, the fat check out girl at Asda that always reminded them of their mother. Similarly, it could lead to elation when the "bubbly, busty, brunette who comfort eats" is the spitting image of Nigella Lawson.

Actual Weight	Honest Description	Lonely Hearts Lie
24st	Morbidly obese with room for the entire cast of Flashdance in my pants	Full Figured
18st	Too fat to go abroad for fear of being mistaken for a beached whale	Voluptuous
15st	Fat, but with appropriate placement of duct tape, can appear curvy	Busty
12st	Voluptuous to the point of indecency	Bubbly
9st	Perfectly formed with breasts and bottom as bonus	Curvy

You see??? With the Lonely Hearts Lie, how will anyone ever know the truth?

Onto another point, what about the GSOH that every single person claims to have in their Lonely Hearts ad? Having a good sense of humour is something that everyone wants, but very few people have. You can't just throw the phrase around willy nilly when you have the sense of humour of Ed Miliband, Jo Brand or a wet fish! Actually, I did hear a good one the other day about Ed Miliband, a nose surgeon and Michael Jackson- but now is not the time. Furthermore, how can one claim to be intelligent? Someone may consider themselves intelligent for having discovered a way to get through their entire higher education simply by reading spark notes. Others may consider themselves intelligent for reading the entire Harry Potter series and finally realising that You Know Who, He Who Must Not Be Named and Voldermort are all the same person. The fact of the matter is, Lonely Hearts ads are designed for lonely people who aren't really fussed if they end up with a whale who claims to be curvy - so long as despite their white hair and liver spots they can still call themselves "a slightly older George Clooney".

"See? My Berlusconi impression is hilarious!
Someone love me."

Despite my Lonely Hears rant, no doubt in twenty years you'll see me in there:

Bubbly, busty blonde with GSOH searching for an intelligent man for conversation, fun, companionship, but mostly someone who will put up with all my shit so I don't die alone.