At the request of a frustrated friend...
Ever wondered if you're bad in bed? Ever wondered if she's faking it? Ever thought that she looks a little bored considering how long you've been down there? Guys, you can stop freaking out now. After speaking to several of my lady friends and brushing up on my Cosmo knowledge, I have what you need to be all that you've ever wanted to be. Women will say your name with awe and pride. And you will have me to thank for it.
No, no, this isn't
another article about how to be good in bed, but rather how
not to be bad. You see there are many things you can do in the bedroom to increase a woman's chances of a) sleeping with you and b) having an orgasm. And you may have heard of some of them. But if you're not doing them exactly right, you'll be doing more harm than good, you understand me? So here is a list of what all men seem to get wrong, what they don't seem to know is there, and, most importantly, what they don't know about women. Pay attention boys, this one's for the fridge.
Hickies
Firstly, despite the recent Twilight phenomenon, it must be remembered that girls do not fantasize about having the blood sucked out of their neck by anyone other than Robert Pattinson. Secondly, they're just too cute and retro to be considered sexy anymore. When was the last time you heard a mate brag about the unsightly reddish purple mark that he left on a girl's neck?
If you give a girl a hickie and you're not fifteen, you will forever be the Peter Pan of her sexual experiences. You made her fly for a little while but reality came crashing down to earth when she realised you would never grow up. Don't do it guys, it is not sexy.
The Clitoris
Now this really is the big one, because every single man claims to know where it is (apart from one man I know who thought it was a shortened version of a paleolothic creature called a Clitosaurus), but every single woman has complained that a man has been intently massaging 3 degrees S/W of it. The vagina's a complex organ, we get that, but if you need to check to see where you're going, peeking is allowed.
As Miranda from Sex and the City once said, "It's my clitoris, not the sphinx." Do not fear it, do not be vicious with it just please, please find it before you start prodding around like a blind man trying to enter his pin into an ATM. The important thing to remember with the clitoris is that is is really
really sensitive. The best thing is soft, smooth actions until you hit the spot- believe me you will know it when you when you find it.
Nipples
Some are big, some are small, some are sensitive, some are not. The main point here, is that they are all different, and therefore all need different kinds of attention. One should not assume that a woman enjoys them being tugged, twisted and nibbled (though some do) and rather ease yourself into the nipple issue by being delicate. If she wants it harder, if she wants nipple clamps, if she'd rather you just moved on down, then believe me, she'll find some way to tell you.
Dirty Talk
"I want your big... thing. Here. Now." I believe that was my first attempt at dirty talk, and it went down pretty well, as I remember it. But the thing is, it was over text, which obviously gave me disproportionately sized balls and I continued to tell this boy dirty and naughty things to extatic response. A few weeks later, we saw each other, and it was clear that neither of us had the sized balls we thought we had, and we had a polite conversation about lacrosse.
In the bedroom though, dirty talk is a totally different issue. Normal conversation etiquette does not apply. If a man talks dirty, a woman is free to ignore him and he should get the hint and simply, shut the fuck up. Sometimes, however, a man will ask the dreaded question:
"Tell me how that feels..."
And you know that "fine thanks" is
not the answer he wants to hear. Between thinking about what food type is appropriate to use as a euphemism for penis (by the way, parsnip is not cool) and thinking of another word for hard, it becomes apparent that what you're doing to her actually doesn't feel that great.
It's a tricky one, but if you want to talk dirty, try it out. If it fails,
let it. There's nothing worse than a man who keeps repeating "do you like that?" over and over until the woman finally snaps and says, "no I fucking don't. Take your love paddle and get out."
The Orgasm
The most important tip I can give you is
don't try and make her come. Seriously. The more you try, the more a woman will sense that you're relentlessly trying and the more likely she is to fake it, just to make you stop. Do what you're sure feels good for her, try new things and if you're doing something right, the chances are, she'll let you know to get her happy ending.
Equally though, don't actively try not to make your girl have an orgasm. That's just mean.
Down Under
Ooh this is an issue indeed. I myself have had terrible experiences with this, as one boyfriend was terrified of touching my vagina with his lips, he stuck his tongue out to it's full extent and moved up and down for approximately 30 seconds before giving up. And I know that every girl has had at least one bad experience. I will never forget what my friend said to her guy after he went down on her and said, "You're so wet," to which she replied, "No I'm not, you are." But she got off lightly. I mean, okay, he drooled all over her lady bits, but at least he tried hard.
The thing that makes oral sex terrible for girls are men that simply stick out their tongue, close their eyes, and hope for the best. These men are either scared of doing a bad job, as it were, grossed out by how it looks/tastes, or physically terrified of the vagina. And I have no sympathy for you when a girl simply says, "Erm, that's not really working for me? Let's just have sex, hmm?"
Fellas, before you even attempt to go down on a girl, you must get over your Vaginaphobia. It will not bite your tongue off. It will massively pay off if you let loose, pay attention to her reaction and simply get down to it. So, make like Nike and just do it.
Le Derriere
If there's any moment in sex where there is need to be polite, its anal sex. Never -
under any circumstances - go near the bum without asking permission first. Some women are really into anal sex, some women are really into the bum as a concept, but some women are not. And I am speaking on behalf of these women that really aren't that into anything going in a place which is designed for things to come out. (Yes, yes, girls don't shit fairy dust, get over it.)
There is nothing worse than someone physically recoiling from your touch as if you have electrocuted them, but that is the direct consequence of going back there without permission with a girl who, quite frankly, doesn't like it.
So boys, be considerate, ask first and if she says no don't get in a strop and do it anyway.
Fearless Passion
There is a time when it takes all your self restraint not to jump someone in a restaurant/pub/inappropriate public place. There is a time when all you want is to be thrown down on a bed/sofa/floor and be subjected to a good rodgering. But there is a time when fearless passion is just plain embarrassing.
If you get too into it too quickly, you may mistake the biting on your shoulder for passion, but the likelihood is she's probably stifling her giggles while you pant in her ear. This is a mistake many men make, but remember slow and steady wins the race.
By the way, it's not a race
Sex is not a contest to see who can climax first. The men that treat is as such are infallibly terrible in bed and get the most bad press from the ladies, so don't do it. Sex is a reciprocal thing and believe me when I say, if you try to come before she does, blow jobs will be off the table for a while. Plus, you might be surprised at how good you feel when you're giving her enough pleasure to make her beat her foot against the wall like Thumper.
Sex may not be a race, but it can be a super fun game, and who wants a good game to end before you've got to the good bit?
Laughing
We are so sorry. But sometimes, sex is hilarious to women. Either you do something a little laughable, like a misplaced dirty word or too soft a touch (we're very sensitive there, and yes, sometimes it tickles). Or a woman's mind is just elsewhere. I myself have burst into hysterical laughter when thinking about how hilarious if would be to shout out the name of a certain Italian dictator. We had to stop for five minutes while I got my giggles out and he got a severe ego chip.
Now, the important thing, how to prevent it. Make sure that there isn't a lull, keep it interesting and keep the focus on her. At the same time, sex should be fun. If you're in bed with someone that you can have a good laugh with, then a woman will feel so much more comfortable around you which will benefit you both.
One special lady I know said one of the best sexual experiences of her life ended with her runnning around his flat naked chasing his cat. "The next time we had sex," she said, "it was a total gigglegasm."
Post Coital Pillow Talk
It is okay to say, "that was great/you were amazing/I loved it when you did that thing".
It is not okay to shout "God, I'm good!/Come oooon!/I lasted ages, didn't I?"
It is okay to cuddle for under 30 minutes.
It is not okay to leave straight after saying, "That reminds me, I've got to get my MOT sorted."
It is okay to not say "I love you".
It is not okay to not say "I love you" back. Say it even if you don't mean it, it's such a kick in the teeth to be greeted by silence.
It is also not okay to say "I love that you love me. And I love being inside you." That's about the time you'll get the teeth-graze blow job (yup, we do that on purpose sometimes).
Now, I am completely aware that women do things wrong in bed too. I'll be the first to admit that I've made some rookie errors in my average sexual experience, like the discovery that the penis just doesn't bend that way. But fellas, bear these simple things in mind the next time you have a lady in your bed and I guarantee she'll be coming back for more.
P.s. You're welcome.
