Picture this. You and the lads are down at the pub and discussions of the premier league turns to sex as someone inevitably lowers the tone by making a ball-in-net sex pun. Phrases like "she's getting too needy" and "So I'm like: bitch please, I ain't your boyfriend, I'm just using you for sex" get thrown around followed by mysoginistic laughter. You know the huh huh huh laugh that guys do specifically when they're making a derogatory comment about their latest bit on the side.
Relax, I'm no feminist, and this article isn't a long list of reasons why men suck (For articles on Men Suck, I'm Self Loathing and My Relationship With My Animals Ruined My Chance of Happiness, see Liz Jones, 2012: 129-167). No. However, this article will reveal why, contrary to popular belief, men are more needy than women, especially when it comes to friends with benefits.
Stereotypes are there for a reason, and we have Bridget Jones and Cosmopolitan magazine to thank for that. It's no secret that girls can be needy, but most of us do 'crazy' with a little more dignity than that. Examples include:
"So he didn't call when he said he would but I know that he likes me. As you can see from this graph, the differing reasons for not calling are at the bottom, with the height of each bar corresponding to the likelihood of the reason, with Lost His Phone at the top and Got Involved in an Unfortunate Incident at the Zoo Resulting in Detainment at the bottom. You will notice that the hateful and impossible He's Just Not That Into You does not appear on the graph. Thus, he really likes me."
"What do you think he meant by 'see you on Monday'? Did he mean as a date? Or is it because we work together? I just don't know and I'm feeling really down about it. I'm going to have to comfort eat these muffins and invite my girlfriends over with a bottle of wine, each, so they might be able to help me decipher his mixed messages."
And of course,
"Now we've slept together the next logical step is simply to get married. I mean, I'm not going to be in my reproductive prime forever and I'll be damned if I have a child out of wedlock like that slut from school Jessica Warner."
Ring any bells? Yes, if you're a man. If you're a woman you're probably sharpening your nail file right now and thinking of coming over and giving me a piece of your mind. (If you do, I'm going to have to insist you participate in my next questionairre to help inform my research on whether stress levels are directly proportionate to sex drive.) The fact of the matter is, women have been portrayed as such by men who have not taken into account that us ladies can be pretty heartless when it comes to friends with benefits. It just so happens that when we do have feelings we're excruciatingly honest about it.
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| That's our Bridget. |
In a study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, the findings proved that men are more needy than women. The study asked 400 people whether or not they had feelings towards their friend after they had slept with them and it was men, not women, that formed the majority.
What this study tells us is the gender stereotypes we form about women, and indeed men, in our heads, are false. Furthermore, and this is the crucial point, it tells us that men and women cannot be friends. Like when Harry met Sally, we all put a person of the opposite sex in to one of three categories when we meet them:
1. I would
2. I wouldn't
3. I would if they shaved their beard/lost weight/changed another variable
Even if they shoot straight into the 'I wouldn't' section, the damage has been done. You've already thought about sleeping with this person and, therefore, can never be friends in the true sense of the word. "Attraction in friendship is happening, and it's persistent," says lead author April Bleske-Rechek, associate professor of psychology. "I'd venture to say, based on all our data, that in the majority of (opposite-sex) friendships there's at least a low level of attraction. And if it's coming more from one friend than the other, it's probably the guy."
Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that you should get your boyfriend to ditch his best female friend, because if he's with you then she's safely tucked away in category 2. So put down that voodoo doll and get on with your life. Still, it is something to think about. Every guy that you consider a friend has thought about you naked, and what's more, according to this study, it's more than just physical attraction. Because of the aforementioned friendship, he may even have rather strong feelings for you. Of course, you'll never know about it if he does because men keep their emotions under the surface most of the time. Unlike female relationships that regularly consist of heart felt, emotional talks, men's relationships consist of beers, shrugs and a lot of swallowing. Feelings that is.
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So the next time you hear a guy saying, "Yeah, it was just sex, I don't have feelings for her or anything." You're perfectly within your right to smirk a little and give the guy in question a knowing glance as he continues to go on about "just a shag" and "intercourse with a good friend is totally acceptable and not at all weird or suggestive of daddy issues." And, spare a thought for the girl in question who's probably saying the exact same thing to her friends. Except, according to this study, she's the only one who means it.
