For the Girls: Valentine's Gift Guide

Girls are very simple to buy for on Valentine's Day, chocolates etc. - so you're sorted, right?

WRONG.

Let me tell you a story. A girl I once lived with received a gift from her boyfriend. It was a simple silver necklace with a delicate heart on it. It was very sweet, it was very lovely - it was very boring. What added to the problem, was the girl in question was very particular in her sense of style. She was the type of girl that had yak's wool wrist warmers, a leather jacket before they became a "thing" and all the most colourful types of scarves you can imagine. Her jewellery was always a statement, and whenever you'd ask "where did you get that?" the answer would be along the lines of "from a shop in Kenya," or "from a market in Barcelona". So a simple heart necklace that was pretty, but not unique, was not up her street. Still, she wore it loyally until they broke up a few months later.

The moral to this cautionary tale is: confectionery, champagne, jewellery and flowers are all okay if you put some thought into the specifics. Had this sweet boy bought my old housemate a one-of-a-kind pendant that he found at a teeny stall at Portabello Market, and some gluten free chocolate cake, he would have been onto a winner.

So let's get to it. I have constructed a gift guide to suit every kind of woman, so you're bond to find something for your beloved, even if there is *gulp* a week to go.

1. Red Lipstick

You girlfriend is: A power woman. She spends her weeks working late, and weekday evenings going to bars with friends after work before running home to you, somehow still looking fabulous.


Make a classic addition to her make up bag, and buy her a lipstick You can't go wrong with red, and you can't go wrong with NARS. This particular shade, is the type that suits blondes and brunettes, and all skin tones, and at just £19.50, isn't going to break the bank. And just in case it isn't to her taste, get a gift receipt so she can treat herself to a different shade instead!

2. A Personalised Hamper

And sure, some twigs, if she's
that way inclined.

Your girlfriend is: indecisive. Between the hours of 6pm and 9pm on Friday night, she will have made four different plans, and you're never sure which one she'll go to. You always decide where to go to dinner because if you don't, you wouldn't have eaten since November.

Perhaps a little more effort than most gifts, but relatively easy to put together. You will need: her favourite wine, Hummingbird cupcakes, a USB with a playlist of some of her favourite songs, a DVD of a film you meant to go and see in the cinema but never got around to and big box to put it all in. Presented nicely, it's got the items that most girls would like individually, but would adore all put together.

3. A Come Together Box

Your girlfriend is: a cheeky minx. When you're out with friends, she'll give you that look, and you know immediately it's time to leave. At Sunday lunch with her parents, she'll stroke your knee under the table suggestively. And when you're alone... let's just say it wouldn't be wise to disturb you.

Now this is something you both can enjoy - and give money to charity! The charity, Unity, has launched a scheme, so when people make a donation of £20 to AIDS Alliance to help fight for safer sex for people all over the world, they’ll be sent a very special thank you: the Come Together Box. Included in the Come Together Box is:
- An exquisitely soft blindfold. No peeking!
- A luxury feather tickler – perfect for stimulating sensitive areas
- ID Glide lubricant to discover electrifying pleasure
- Sensuous game cards to add a touch of spice – from wicked foreplay to earth-shuddering climax
- Of course every box also includes a clear-looking, natural-feeling Skins condom – because the best kind of sex is safe sex.

Doing good has never felt like this before.

4. A Paper Rose


Your girlfriend is: a book worm. She reads all the time, and manages to do things like cook when she's engrossed in a bit of Jane Austen. That's not to say she's a loser, she loves to have a time in the pub like everyone else.

Flowers may be a little typical (not to mention double the price at this time of year) but there is no way your girlfriend won't love this literary paper rose. Not only will this show you care, it will last forever just like your relationship. Or if you dump her, a paper flower will be very satisfying to set alight along with pictures of you and your favourite jumper.

5. A Night Under the Stars

Your girlfriend is: a busy body. When she's not working in her creative job, she's travelling the world, going to the latest gallery openings and visiting the hottest new dinner spot. She probably thinks Valentine's is bullshit anyway, but you have to try, right?


Sorry to tell you, an item probably isn't going to cut it with this particular lady. Unless it's handmade, personalised or really fucking thoughtful. But I can't help you there. The advice I can give you is that doing something on Valentine's Day would be the operative word here. Something like visiting the Royal Observatory to see the stars, or simply setting up a picnic in a park would be much appreciated. Or if you're seriously loaded, a last minute trip to somewhere cold and fabulous like Copenhagen would sit very well with this special lady.

Hope this helps at least someone out there - and Happy Valentine's!

Five Signs You're About to Get Dumped

1. "Work is crazy."

A clear sign that things aren't going particularly well with your partner is when, suddenly, work is all they care about. You remember when you first started dating, work was just a weekday inconvenience that prevented you from spending every second together, and you would both be clock watching for 5:30 when you could shoot onto the tube and meet for a dinner that lasted hours.

Those days seem to have ended, and rather abruptly. You're not quite sure how it happened, but suddenly your other half is very concerned about getting that promotion and, apparently, you have "no idea" how much pressure they are under. Three hour dinners have been replaced by ready meals and shit TV while sex, well, let's just say it's been put on the back burner as your partner has a really early start tomorrow. And late a finish. Is it any wonder they're too tired for romance?

2. "Sorry, I can't."

In an effort to rekindle the fire that once was, you make an extra effort to send through some witty articles, suggest things to do on the weekend and even think ahead to the summer and forward on some particularly good holiday deals. What messages would have been met with appreciation, or at the very least a "lol", are for the most part ignored, or else shot down effortlessly.

You discover your partner is actually a very busy person. And, for one that doesn't plan ahead, they have made several unmovable plans and "I promised so-and-so we would so something"s without you knowing. On top of all that, despite the extra hours they've been putting at work, your partner is inexplicably broke. And without any free time or money, how can you expect them to be able to do anything with you?

3. "What message?"

You move into a different stage of "almost dumped" when getting ignored progresses to your partners' full on denial of the receipt of any of your messages. You've accepted that a YouTube video of a panda waving may not warrant a response every time, but when you ask whether they have plans this evening, or ask advice on some tax thing you don't understand, and finally ask "what's the matter?" and don't receive a response to any of these questions, alarm bells start to ring.

You finally ask face-to-face why they haven't been responding to your messages and you're met with a wide-eyed look of innocence as they say, "what messages?". Obviously there was something wrong with the Vodafone network this morning, and there have been issues with the latest iPhone software, and are you really sure you sent the message to begin with? Yeah, that's right. Take a long hard look at yourself.

4. "How have I been weird?"

A couple of things have been a little... off lately with your relationship. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it's about time to take it up with your other half. You sit down, calmly, and explain that things have been a little strange, and you're starting to wonder why. The explanations of work being crazy, being booked up with plans with friends, being broke, and not receiving your messages are briefly discussed and you sigh impatiently.

They throw up their hands, and ask you with a bewildered expression how you think they have been acting weird. You might have asked why they've been walking around wearing a scuba suit, smoking a pipe, all the while carrying around a fat, ginger cat. The reaction seems a little disproportionate to the question. And of course, because there has been no scuba suit/pipe/ginger cat, it's a little difficult to put into words how exactly they have been acting weird. How can one describe "weird" anyway?

5. "I promise, when things die down..."

That's it. You've had enough of the excuses and you sit down with your other half and ask what the fuck is going on.

Your partner's face changes. They touch your hand and admit (finally!) that things have been a little strange lately. What's more, they promise that they're going to make it up to you. That band you've been wanting to see? They're going to book tickets. That restaurant you've been meaning to try out? They're taking you next week. And on top of all of that, they throw in the suggestion of going on a mini-break, to "get back to us". We all know a mini-break means true love, so what are you worrying about?

Yeah, sorry dude, you're about to get dumped. Grab the cat and go.