Americans Can't be Brits

(no matter how hard they try)

Oh, why can't the English learn to set 

A good example to people whose English is painful to your ears?

The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears.

There even are places where English completely disappears. 

In America, they haven't used it for years! 

Why can't the English Lyrics, My Fair Lady


With the release of One Day, the film version of the bestselling book, a torrent of complaints, catty remarks, and just plain bitchiness has been unleashed upon Anne Hathaway. While her name sounds like that of some 19th century English Rose, her Yorkshire accent in her most recent blockbuster really gives the game away. One journalist welled up at tears by the end of this film, not at the emotional and sudden ending but at the dire attempt of Hathaway to be British. As we can all band together and agree on, being British is more than just an accent, but why is it that we get so bloody offended when a Yank can't get it right?

Similar animosity was shown towards Russel Crowe in his role as Robin Hood in the imaginatively named film, Hood. Rather than having one crappy imitation of a British accent throughout, his accent seemed to change and manifest as he moved through the Nottingham countryside. When questioned about this, Crowe replied, rather haughtily (and I paraphrase) "Robin Hood would have travelled all over England if he were real, and would have picked up all kinds of different accents, which is what I portrayed in the movie." Good point Mr Crowe, but surely the same could be said for jet-setting businessmen who travel weekly to all corners of the world, but they don't walk into every meeting speaking a different dialect of Mandarin.

The only American who we graciously accepted and applauded in the role of a Brit, was Renee Zellwegger in the role of the fantastic and brilliant creation of Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones. Her accent was spot on as a Londoner, and the fantastic casting of Gemma Jones as Bridget's mum made the whole thing rather believable. It wasn't just her accent though. Her mannerisms, choice of swearwords and incessant smoking as soon as off the tube made good ol' Bridge relatable to a large chunk of British women. However, Ms Zellwegger can't be credited for our love of Bridget Jones, and of course we should all bow down to Ms Fielding for bringing her to us to begin with, but the point remains: this is one of the only British characters played by an American that we have really appreciated. Oh scratch that, worshipped.

Personally, after a bad nights sleep and getting a very untimely shock from the window cleaners (of course I was brushing my teeth naked), I can only think of one more American in a British role that we, as a nation, have embraced like a brother. I speak, of course, of Johnny Depp in his fantastic portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow. He is a frequent guest at fancy dress parties which gives many men an excuse to wear make up and think themselves sexy, and is even the subject matter of a Lonely Island song (but with hits like Dick in a Box and On a Boat, I don't think subject matter is high on their list of priorities). His drunken gyrations on and off a boat deck, his eyeliner, beaded dreadlocks and his insistence on being called Captain would make him a less than desirable bed guest for most women, but somehow Depp pulls it off and, even more commendable, makes it totally hot.

The moral of the story? Most Americans should stick to what they know, and play characters in which they don't have to drastically change their accents because then they won't be the subject of ridicule until they make a sex tape and we all forget about it. Unless you're Johnny Depp, because, let's face it, he could get away with anything with those lips.

Loose Men

"He's too loose." Were the wise words spoken by my friend after a particular boyfriend had failed, yet again, to make any decisive response to the question I had been uttering for weeks. And it took some damn balls too.

"Do you think we should be exclusive?"
"Well, ahem, er, thing is, umm, Stef-" lots of coughing, sighing and not looking at me directly, "we basically are anyway, aren't we? So err, it's fine the way it is. Isn't it?" Silence. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear, "isn't it?" and proceeded to kiss my neck, and lips.
"Yes, yes, I suppose s'fine, mmm..." I managed to mumble.

But the question haunted me for a further couple of weeks until I finally managed to get him to agree to exclusivity by subtly mentioning that I was meeting an ex boyfriend for drinks and dinner.
"Is he staying at yours after?" He asked, his big hazel eyes looking at me expectantly.
"Well I guess we'll see how the evening goes. But probably. You know how I get after a glass of wine." And the deal, as it were, was sealed. (In case you didn't realise, I can be quite the manipulative bitch.)

That relationship came and went when I realised his commitment issues would never get resolved under my watch, particularly with my lack of patience. For example, a Facebook relationship status was a no-no, despite the fact that all our mutual friends knew what was going on. Or when summer came around and the topic of holidays came up, he never seemed to have enough money, yet came across some fiscal fortune that would pay for his Interrailing trip with friends. And another classic; though I was promised I would meet his friends, it was never the right time but apparently they were "dying" to meet me. What's that smell? Oh yes, the ever identifiable stench of bullshit.

Previous to this mostly insignificant relationship, I have never actually had a 'commitment phobe' as a boyfriend. Well, to be fair, I only had one proper relationship before that, and that guy was the ready-to-settle-down-and-have-babies type. Though I should mention the guy before that, who dumped me because he was bored, (dick) but told me it was because he was gay (bigger dick) in order to end it swiftly while sparing my feelings. Granted, at the time, it did. But when I found out the truth, I was not a happy bunny. But in a triumphant twist, the gay rumors never really stopped, and even now, when he pops up in conversation, the title remains.
"Ah, haven't seen him in ages, how is he?"
"Gay." Several people pipe up.
Cue a chorus of laughter and a smug smile from yours truly.
Hmm. I seem to have gotten sidetracked. Ah. Commitment phobes.

There is another guy I know, who I used to be really close to (and who I used to have a teeny crush on) who was scared of commitment like he was scared of spiders. Then he found a girl who managed to change him, just like that, and he was in a relationship for a pretty long time. But then he contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago just saying this:

Hey Stef
What's up? I'm on a break at the moment... To be honest, I just can't imagine doing stuff with anyone else.

Umm. Right. A proposition for intercourse, and not so delicately put. After getting offended and flustered in that Austrian manner of mine, we talked and it turns out he's actually really upset about the relationship ending and totally besotted with this girl who ended things with him for the foreseeable future.

Even so, it doesn't exactly inspire confidence that at the first opportunity loose men that have been tightened up roll back to their loose ways. Which begs the question- are loose men forever loose? Hundreds of thousands of people have pondered this question, but most have reached the conclusion that men are simple creatures, much like dogs or sea monkeys (which I'm still not entirely convinced exist) and therefore cannot be changed. But it is my opinion that men are like springs. They can be warped to be a little tighter, but if you let go for just one second, they spring back to the looseness that is inherently part of them.

I also have a theory that men believe women find this sort of aloofness attractive. Do they know that applying the phrase "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" to their relationships results in resentment from their girlfriends? Do they also know that "mean" does not involve pretending to be seriously busy with work stuff when they're actually playing COD? (Yes, some of us have discovered 'COD' is not a sudden worldwide interest in fish. And some of us have only discovered this recently.) Do they really believe that flirting with other girls will provoke a positive reaction for the girl they like? Do they expect a "honey, you making me feel insignificant, worthless and jealous for no reason made me realise how much I want to be with you forever"? Being loose is ultimately the most unattractive quality in a man- you heard it here first.

Equally, it can be said that men that are too 'tight' can be equally as repulsive to the average female. After a long and stressful day, the last thing you need is a man down the end of the phone getting paranoid about what you said to his best friend the other night.
"It wasn't so much what you said, it was how you said it."
Arrrrghhhhh.

The lesser of the two evils? Of course, as always with the important questions in life (and because I'm a woman), there is no right answer. So, sorry boys. You can't do anything right.

Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Good sex is tricky to measure. But here I have constructed a sexiness scale with 1 equating to the same pleasure one would feel taking out the bins and 10 equating to the same feeling you got when Ron and Hermione finally hooked up. Okay, a little better.


Secret Sex
It's the dead of night. You sneak out your house and begin the bold walk in the crisp night air to someone else's house. Someone's house no one knows you're going to. Your heartbeat quickens. You finally reach the door and naughty things ensue. Secret sex can be awesome. However, this is all cancelled out when you are prohibited from making too much noise, telling anyone and pretending to buy condoms to store your night cream. "It's more space efficient." Also, with sex, you usually end up falling for the person a little, and where's the fun in having awesome sex with an awesome person if you can't show it off a little?
Sexiness Rating: 7


One Night Stand Sex
He's a perfect stranger, he's gorgeous, he smells great and he's so into you. You get back to yours, you take of your clothes and- Oh. He has: a tiny penis/a growth/is a woman/is wearing y-fronts/has on a chastity belt... But say there are none of these problems and you go through with it? He could be bad in bed, he could be into bondage, he could enjoy speaking in tongues whilst patting you on the bottom with a hairbrush. Okay, say the sex is normal. What are you left with in the morning? You've had sex with a random person. You sort of enjoyed it. And now you'll never see them again. I've heard such experiences can be liberating, but there are so many things that can go wrong with a one night stand, is it really worth it?
Sexiness Rating: 2

Passionate Sex
It's the kind of sex where there is nothing you want more than to be passionately entangled with this person for the foreseeable future/until you get hungry. Nothing else exists and you cannot think of anything else. Hot? Piri-piri hot.
Sexiness Rating: 8

Madly in Love Sex
Everyone I've spoken to agrees with me, that you can have the hottest person who is officially certified as amazing in bed (How awesome would certificates be, by the way? You would know how good you and all your friends are in the sack. On second thought, it would provoke the collapse of our society and the world as we know it. Never mind.) but no matter how technically good sex is, sex with someone you really care about doesn't compare. There is an emotional bond, a physical bond, and a chemical bond with your body sending happy hormones off every which way. If you sleep with someone you're in love with, the positive feelings associated with sex only intensify, making this the best sex you will ever have.
Sexiness Rating: 10

Drunk Sex
You feel awesome. You feel sexy. You feel uninhibited.
"Why don't we try-?"
"No, you roll the other way and then I'll-"
"You know it hurts when you do that?"
Drunk sex allows you to try new things, tell your partner what you love, what you hate and all round boosts communication which essential to a happy sex life. But be warned: the flashbacks the next day can be stop-in-the-street-and-wail-loudly embarrassing.
Sexiness Rating (at the time): 10
Sexiness Rating (in the morning): 0

Too Drunk Sex
You feel awesome. You feel sexy. You feel unin- no wait. You feel nauseated. You feel dizzy. You feel kind of horny, or that could just be a side effect of mixing gin with tequila.
Best case scenario? You can't get it up, you pass out in a state of semi-undress or you do it for a little while, and then everything gets hazy.
Worst case scenario? You wake up next to something triangular and orange with the fuzzy memory of being anally violated by a traffic cone.
Sexiness Rating (at the time): 0
Sexiness Rating (in the morning, okay afternoon, post vomiting): -10

Okay I'll Do It Sex
Sex is the last thing on your mind, but after some persuasion, you think, "oh fuck it" and give in. You have sex to either shut your partner up or to avoid an argument in the morning. While it can turn out well, if you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood and sex for the sake of sex just isn't worth it.
Sexiness Rating: 2


Safe Sex
In the throngs of passion, the last thing on your mind is getting out a condom, but as the rise of teen pregancies are telling us, it should be the first thing. Condoms can kill the mood and are universally hated by men because they reduce sensitivity, but they're the best protection we've got. Now, the phrase, "be a doll and get me a rubber- and ensure your nails don't snag the latex" is never going to make its way into porn films, but safe sex is so important. You don't want to end up with a rash on your hoo ha, do you?
Sexiness Rating: 5

Unsafe Sex
Did I mention the hoo ha rash? It might feel better at the time, and most of us have done it at some point, but it's so not worth it.
Sexiness Rating: 1

Ex Sex
Having sex with an ex, especially if you've been feeling lonely, has the same effect of drinking a lemsip when you're coming down with a cold. It's a familiar little pick me up that you know inside and out, no nasty surprises, with a predictable but satisfying result. Let's face it, it's always nice to sleep with someone that you don't have to pretend in front of and that you have chemistry with without added complications. And when you're relaxed and not trying hard, what happens ladies? Let's just say everyone gets a happy ending.
Sexiness Rating: 9

Sweaty Sex
It's gross but somehow sexy when you're so involved in the act of sex, that it all gets a bit dirty and steamy. Remember that scene in Titanic?
Sexiness Rating: 8

Out in Public Sex
Personally the what-if-we-get-caught factor is a little too much for me to handle and I find myself going for it, and then chickening out again. Others I have spoken to however, say the chemical effects of fear being pumped around the body makes for more intense sex, and more pleasurable results.
Sexiness Rating: 6

"But I haven't had a wax!" Sex
It is the crucial moment. And much like Miss Jones and her, "fuck me, absolutely enormous pants!" it hits you like a ton of bricks that you cannot possibly go through with the act of sex when your vagina looks more beast than human. What to do? If you stop at crucial moment, you will find that unexplained prohibition of sex will create a sense of mystery and allure about you. If you throw caution to the wind and carry on and crucial moment, a man will no longer care so much what you think of him, and it all becomes a little more comfortable in between your cries of, "don't touch it!" and "if we do it that way round you really will need to close your eyes".
Sexiness Rating: 9

Just Plain Bad Sex
There is no way to foresee it. Size does not matter. Weight has little influence. Chemistry on the dance floor does not necessarily mean chemistry in bed. To be frank, you cannot predict when bad sex will happen, it will hit you like an earthquake, but will, sadly, fail to shake your world.
Sexiness Rating: 0

Just Plain Mad Sex
Hysterical laughter, assortments of toys, wigs, a rolling pin- whatever crazy shit you do in bed, the more fun you have, the better sex will be. Bear in mind, a warning for your partner will be nice.
Sexiness Rating: 7

I-know-I-shouldn't-but-I'm-going-to-anyway Sex
The hottest of the hot. You know you are going to regret it, and you know that the consequences of your actions could affect you in all sorts of horrible ways- which makes it even more tempting. We all want something that we can't have, but if the opportunity is there to get it, take it. You won't regret it. Oh shit, scratch that, you definitely will. Oh well!
Sexiness Rating: 10

Ultimately, we all know that great sex depends on the person, not the scenario. There is something to be said for the argument that it is foolish to do something that you could regret, so, I guess, err on the side of caution when it comes to sex for the possibility that it could be a horrific experience. Then again, it could take some time to find that great person, and a poorly thought out plan could have surprising consequences...

My advice? Make mistakes, have bad sex, eat bad food, break up, make up, lose friends, get better ones, but through it all make sure you never say to yourself, "if only". As someone pretty famous that I can't recall once said, those are the saddest words anyone can utter. Also, you don't want to be a boring fucker now, do ya?