Lonely Hearts Deserve to be Lonely

The other morning I was calmly browsing the Birmingham Mail when I came across the Lonely Hearts section. I proceeded to choke on my breakfast. Did a 67 year old man really ask for a between 20 and 30 year old for "no strings attached fun"?

"I've always wanted a woman with tits above her belly button."

I was saddened to find that the advertisements in the Birmingham Mail and any other newspaper with a Lonely Hearts section are all genuine. There really are people out there who, through the medium of local papers, feel it is acceptable to advertise themselves as "intelligent and sexy" or even "65 but flexible". After trawling through column after column of those who consider their hearts to be lonely, I felt disgusted. Yes, there were some relatively normal requests "lonely 30-something widower seeks companionship from intelligent lady" or "60 year old hiker seeks someone to go for long walks with", but these were few and far between. I have to say, the majority of the ads in the Lonely Hearts were simply vile and I had to wonder; who in the name of all that is holy has sent in a lonely ad, let alone found someone?

And then it hit me. My cousin and her husband met through a lonely hearts ad and they were married in 2008. Or 2009? Maybe it was 2007.

Hold on.

No, my mum doesn't know either. Anyway, the point is, they have been married for at least three years, and happily so. My cousin is a beautiful woman that simply decided to take action and find someone rather than wait around for Mr Right to show up on a white horse, Cadillac or similar. So I have to conclude that Lonely Hearts is not an entirely bad thing and, evidently, can lead to a happy marriage.

It takes a couple with balls to begin foreplay at the wedding dinner.
[NOT my cousin]

But still, I can't say that I wholly support it, simply because if they are not disgusting in request, they are very misleading and confusing. Of course, no one admits to being fat, instead everyone is "bubbly and busty" or "curvacious". But what if one is simply curvy? Would one have to lie and call oneself slim? Surely this can lead to moments of extreme disappointment when Lonely Hearts meet only to find that the "curvy blonde" they read about is, in fact, the fat check out girl at Asda that always reminded them of their mother. Similarly, it could lead to elation when the "bubbly, busty, brunette who comfort eats" is the spitting image of Nigella Lawson.

Actual Weight	Honest Description	Lonely Hearts Lie
24st	Morbidly obese with room for the entire cast of Flashdance in my pants	Full Figured
18st	Too fat to go abroad for fear of being mistaken for a beached whale	Voluptuous
15st	Fat, but with appropriate placement of duct tape, can appear curvy	Busty
12st	Voluptuous to the point of indecency	Bubbly
9st	Perfectly formed with breasts and bottom as bonus	Curvy

You see??? With the Lonely Hearts Lie, how will anyone ever know the truth?

Onto another point, what about the GSOH that every single person claims to have in their Lonely Hearts ad? Having a good sense of humour is something that everyone wants, but very few people have. You can't just throw the phrase around willy nilly when you have the sense of humour of Ed Miliband, Jo Brand or a wet fish! Actually, I did hear a good one the other day about Ed Miliband, a nose surgeon and Michael Jackson- but now is not the time. Furthermore, how can one claim to be intelligent? Someone may consider themselves intelligent for having discovered a way to get through their entire higher education simply by reading spark notes. Others may consider themselves intelligent for reading the entire Harry Potter series and finally realising that You Know Who, He Who Must Not Be Named and Voldermort are all the same person. The fact of the matter is, Lonely Hearts ads are designed for lonely people who aren't really fussed if they end up with a whale who claims to be curvy - so long as despite their white hair and liver spots they can still call themselves "a slightly older George Clooney".

"See? My Berlusconi impression is hilarious!
Someone love me."

Despite my Lonely Hears rant, no doubt in twenty years you'll see me in there:

Bubbly, busty blonde with GSOH searching for an intelligent man for conversation, fun, companionship, but mostly someone who will put up with all my shit so I don't die alone.