 |
| Is it really worth all the risks? |
I myself headed to Oxford Circus yesterday after a bit of cash came my way. I hopped on the bus from East London and the sight of Christmas decorations and the dark London streets touched a romantic nerve in my bitter and cynical body and I'll admit to you all - I was excited. After having been in Birmingham for several months straight, I craved the sight my home city and during my journey on the number 8 bus, got rather worked up as the bright lights and glamorous shops of Oxford Circus came into view. I hopped off the bus, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and was ambushed. That's the only way I can describe it. Hoards and hoards of people came at me from every direction, seeming not to notice me, swinging bags and gesticulating wildly. Being a London girl, I managed to recover quickly and made my way to the nearest shop before lighting up to take in the action. Once I found a gap in the throngs of people, I joined the crowd heading towards Bond Street and that, dear reader, is when the anger struck. I felt what can only be described as burning hatred towards every person in front of me that forced me to dodge and weave my way towards my desired destination, Selfridges.
 |
| The Selfridges Christmas decorations - untainted by hoards of shoppers. |
I finally arrived flustered and seething with anger. I stalked past Chanel and Jimmy Choo and went straight downstairs for a free espresso (in case you didn't already know: Nespresso, Food and Dining section. Ask a trainee for a sample). This is very unlike me. I could spend hours lingering amongst luxurious leathers I will never be able to afford, but on this occasion, I simply had to calm down. How can Christmas shoppers cause so much distress? I thought. Then I realised. I am one of them. After pausing to think after my espresso, I thought, it would be great if someone made a list of rules for Christmas shoppers to follow, outlining simple etiquette that should be followed by every person making their way to London for the Christmas season. That someone is me.
Smokers
You're stressed. You're panicking. The shops close in three hours and you haven't got a gift for your mother-in-law's sister or your cousin twice removed. You need a smoke. I get it. But it is totally unacceptable to simply stop unexpectedly in the path of a fellow Christmas shopper to light a cigarette. The whole experience can be rather startling for those around you who will have to dodge and find a new system of walking on the street with a brand new obstacle in their way. It would be similar if a postbox sprung into existence in the middle of the street. Though a little less weird.
Buggy Pushers
It would be far easier if children were outlawed from the whole shopping experience, but alas, they are not, so we all have to deal with them. It could be made a great deal less distressing for fellow walkers if you keep your buggy aimed in a straight line and do not use it as a weapon to slow down Christmas shoppers around you.
 |
| Little Jimmy's idea of Santa's grotto was greatly confused by the appearance of Ginger Rogers. |
Large Families
You all insist on forming groups so large that no one has a hope in hell of overtaking you. You walk slowly and you call out numbers to continually check that each member is there. (If you've got a mean streak, say "where's number four?" very loudly and watch the family panic shouting "four?!" in an insane, parrot-like fashion. Devilishly fun.) As if that's not bad enough, you then proceed to stop every twenty yards to double check everyone's there. If you lose a kid in London, they'll just get taken to Hamley's and put in the Lost Children section of Lost Property. Or they'll make their way to a pub and have a hell of a time. Families should walk in single file and have faith that they'll stay connected. Failing that, shackles may be a good idea.
Arseholes
Arsehole: Are you talking to me?
Me: Yes I'm talking to you, I'm just trying to get past, would you mind terribly if you moved ever so slightly to the left?
Arsehole: Are you insulting me now?
It's wannabe de Niros like this guy that just make me want to punch someone. You can act like an arsehole back in New York, but when you're in London, oblige to common courtesy and recognise that when someone says "excuse me" they are not planning on stealing your wife, children or place in the queue and may, simply, be trying to get past.
General notes:
Be Polite: If everyone were polite to one another, the world really would be a better place. Be courteous and do not barge, bash or try to slither past other shoppers. It will only alert you to the sad fact that you aren't as thin as you thought you were.
To Take Photographs: In London, you will often find it is safer to stop on the road than the street during the busy Christmas season, so if you absolutely have to take a picture of a busker wearing a kilt, make your way to one of the concrete benches they have lining many roads in London. If there are no concrete benches, take a bloody mental picture and keep walking.
Speed: Londoners usually have this spot on, walk in a straight line, with purpose, do not barge or push and stop only in case of emergencies. (In case of desired shop entry see: Shop Entry Tactics) I'm no xenophobe, but foreigners have got to learn how to walk like a Londoner. There is far too much dilly dallying and ambling on the part of tourists, the likes of which should be made punishable by law in London.
 |
| Short of seeing this in a shop window, there is no excuse to stop. |
Shop Entry Tactics: It's called the swerve. As previously stated, one should never ever stop on the streets of London, so upon approaching a shop you wish to enter, slow down, veer to the right and choose your moment to swerve smoothly into the shop of your choice.
Sorry: It has been proven to be the most used word by anyone British. Add it to your vocabulary book and use it whenever you are in doubt - you can't go wrong.
Happy Christmas shopping everyone!
No comments:
Post a Comment