5 Social Situations That Have Me Reeling

When someone's bra (or worse, nipple) is showing
This is a particular kind of situation where, if it's your friend you can just pull up their top or take a photograph for shits and giggles, but if it's someone you don't know all that well, well then that's social etiquette gone out the window as there is no right answer as to how you should behave. The first problem is, that male or female, you can't help but look. It's as if your eye is drawn to the nippular area without your control and it takes a lot of concentration to look at this lady's eyes.
The situation becomes considerably worse if, rather than a peer, it is a tutor, fellow employee or someone elderly. Because, you cannot, of course, mention it, but it becomes the only thing you can think about, and you know everyone else is thinking the same thing, but you can't even talk to anyone else about it for fear of being called a pervert or necrophiliac.
You can either try to ignore it, which is exceedingly difficult when the day is dull and you have little else to distract you, or you can just end the underlying awkwardness and shout "get your tits out!" and run like the wind.

When someone you vaguely know ignores you
We all know the situation.
"Hi!" You shout emphatically, waving your arm for good measure. The person you wave at just walks on by, perhaps giving you a queer look, having not the faintest idea who you are and unsure as to why you are so enthused to see them. Speaking of, so are you. You put your arm down, but the damage is done as this is the point where someone you know walks past, grinning at you.
"Friend of yours then?"
You mumble obscenities and try to change the subject, but the pinkish hue on your cheeks does not fade for at least 3 minutes.

Bikini Wax
This is a social situation that, after years of getting used to it, I'm still not used to. Getting your less than groomed vagina out in front of a random woman is just an unpleasant experience. Firstly the pain is worse than getting branded and you have to somehow control your screams of pain and condemnations of this woman to hell, despite her ripping rooted hairs out of your nethereigions. Then, there's the small talk. Without it, there's a danger of shouting obscenities, but it's just plain awkward when conversation lulls. Getting waxed during the Autumn/Winter months is a blessing for one reason; The X Factor. There are numerous things to say after every show- Cheryl's dress vs. Dannii's, how we secretly would shag Simon Cowell, and how it's just all so dull with out Jedward! However, small talk during the Summer months is a nightmare. I suggest keeping up to date with Katie Price's life as a fall back.
The worst part is putting your pants back on after. It feels kind of like a booty call; you've shared intimacies with this person, but you know they're never going to call you and 6 weeks later you know you're going to come crawling back, despite the inevitable pain it puts you through. You just have to waddle out of there, head held high with the comfort of knowing even if you never have a lesbian experience, at least you've had the thrill of another woman seeing your vagina.

When you make a sex joke in front of your mum, who then understands it
"This bread just isn't getting hard!" my Mum said after putting a ciabatta in the oven.
"Try rubbing it." I replied. Look, it just popped out as a reflex after being friends with mostly boys, where sexual innuendos are just part of the day to day. But nothing could have prepared me for her answer.
"Ooh yes, a cheeky handjob might do the trick!" She chortled. I looked at her, eyes bulging, and then had to leave the room, feeling disgusted with her. It got worse when I bumped into my father in the hallway and, seeing my horrified expression asked, "Steffi, what is it?"
"Mum made a sex joke."
"Oh come on Steffi, it's not like you don't understand them, is it now?"
Colour rushed to my cheeks and I ran up to my room. This is a social situation nothing can prepare you for when you're 13.

When you see someone for the first time after having slept with them
You will never bump into a person you have slept with when you are looking amazing, aloof and, most importantly, with a friend to fake laugh with. No, no, instead, you will see them at an extreme inopportune moment, like when you are rushing somewhere, looking a little sweaty and not in a healthy glowing way, carrying several bags and perhaps with an unidentifiable dark smudge on your nose. Or you will see them at first from a distance, and then you know the non committal nod is coming but there's nothing you can do about it, and you have to suffer 30 excruciating steps before realising that you have to come up with an appropriate response, and then half smile a few seconds too late. Either way, there will never be a time when you will bump into an ex lover for the first time looking perfect, but at least you only have to do it once... Oh wait. It never stops being awkward, just FYI.