Blurred Lines

[Please feel free to listen to Blurred Lines while you read this article, but do not watch the video as it is both distracting and hateful to all women without perfect physiques.]

We've all been in relationships. And we have all been in a scenario where you have been sort-of-kind-of-with-someone in some dimension, but it is so difficult to define you don't even bother. There's fuck buddies, friends with benefits etc. but different rules apply to different couples. It is easily forgiven, therefore, that people in this world have no idea how dating works anymore. (Present company included.)

Through the powers of eavesdropping, I have come to a terrifying realization – none of us are safe.

I noted down the conversations of a few certain individuals who made it blatantly obvious what kind of relationship they thought they were in, and blatantly obvious that it’s time to be seriously worried about the dating world.

Friends with Benefits. And girlfriends.

A man is on the phone smoking a cigarette outside the pub. He has a suit on and is incredibly hot. You now understand why I got so close.

MAN: Yeah, that sounds good. You know how I love that.

[pause]

Okay, but the thing is, Hannah will be home at 8, so you're going to have to, err, not be there.

[pause, sound of shrill squeaking from the other end of the phone]

Yes of course I’m going to end it, but I explained it to you, now is not a good time to break up with her because of the situation with her mother.

[pause]

Yes, yeah. No, I hear you. But then… I mean, I suppose forcing me to end it with her would make you a terrible person. So you see, I'm in a really tough position here. And you know how I feel about you...

[pause]

Yes. Exactly. Oh, gotta go, about to go underground.

[pause]

Yeah, you too. Bye.

[Smiles to himself]

Comments: Clearly this man is a penis. Clearly this man is not going to break up with his girlfriend. What is also clear, is that the girl he was on the phone to is an idiot. Unfortunately, she is not the only idiot to fall for a penis, and the sad fact of the matter is that Friends with Benefits is not as clear cut as it used to be. If you find yourself to be the idiot in this situation, I suggest jumping ship immediately.

Madly in Hate

A man and woman sit next to each other in a coffee shop, both facing slightly away from one another with their arms crossed.

MAN: Are you over it yet?

WOMAN: [hissing and spluttering] Of course I’m not over it. You humiliated me in front of an entire cafe. [she looks around at all the people who have no idea what just happened]

MAN: That’s an over exaggeration and you know it. It’s not my fault you were too blind to recognize that you paid in Euros and not pounds.

WOMAN: You bastard.

MAN: Bitch.

[They look at each other. Within seconds they embrace passionately]

WOMAN: [in between kisses] I’m still -  mad - at you - you know.

MAN: I know.

WOMAN: I don’t even like you.

MAN: I don’t like you either. Now shut up.

[They kiss]

Comments: If you find yourself Madly in Hate with someone, keep at it. You clearly have the hottest of hot sex and while you may end up crashing and burning at some point down the line, enjoy it while it lasts.

In a Reluctant Relationship

A man and two women sit in a popular lunch restaurant. The women look as if they are on the offensive.

MAN: She’s just a friend, staying over because she lives far away.

WOMAN 1: I'm sorry, don't they have public transport outside of London?

WOMAN 2: And you know she has a thing for you.

MAN: It’s not like that. And you both know I would never cheat.

[WOMAN 1 is suddenly overcome with a coughing fit]

WOMAN 2: Of course we know that. But she is a lingerie model. Sleeping in your house. When everyone else is out for the weekend.

MAN: Look, every boy wants a blowjob from a nice lady. But that doesn’t change how I feel about Patti.

WOMAN 1: Well, does she know about this girl staying over?

MAN: [He scratches his neck] Not exactly… But it would just cause an unnecessary argument.

[WOMAN 1 and WOMAN 2 look at MAN incredulously]

MAN: Don’t worry ladies, I’m not stupid. Sometimes you have to think with your heart, and not your dick.

Comments: Apparently even the nice ones see blurred lines in their relationships. Now not all boyfriends engage in this kind of behavior, but still gives you something to think about doesn’t it?

Three in a bed

GIRL 1: So we were emailing non-stop. And I mean non-stop. If I took more than a couple of hours to reply, he would ask me if everything was alright.

GIRL 2: Keen.

GIRL 1: Exactly, that’s what I thought. I thought I had the upper hand, and that he was way more into me than I was into him. And then suddenly, just as I was getting comfortable, he stopped. Just completely went off the radar.

GIRL 2: Well maybe he got locked out of his emails, or maybe-

GIRL 1: Yes, or maybe he was scared by our sudden attraction. But then last week he started emailing me again. Even asked me on a date. But then as soon as I suggested a location [she smacked the table] BAM! He disappears.

GIRL 2: Yes, it must be the sudden attraction thing. Or maybe… I mean perhaps…

GIRL 1: What, perhaps what?

GIRL 2: Maybe he has a girlfriend. Why else would he drop completely off the radar when it comes to seeing each other?

[GIRL 1 is silent for a few minutes]

GIRL 1: So should I email him again?

GIRL 2: [sighs]

Comments: Listen to your friends ladies. They are the mirrors that you constantly try to avoid, and while you may hate them for suggesting the worst, they are looking out for you.

Secretly in Love Fuck Buddies

WOMAN: So I'm nearly home and I've had a few glasses of wine, did you want to come over? I thought you might say that. [giggles girlishly] And then maybe tomorrow we could -

[pause]

Oh you are? That's a shame because I thought we could -

[pause]

But Mother's Day was in March.

[pause]

Oh I see. Yeah. OK.

[pause]

Yeah, I'm excited to see you too. I’ll be twenty minutes.

Comments: Some women can have sex and simply not get feelings. I have yet to meet a woman like this. The sad fact is, once we have sex, we form an attachment to the person we have sex with.

"What is this bitch on about? Not me."

I admire your smuggery, dear reader. It may take weeks or even months, but eventually it will hit you like a smack in the face that you kinda, sorta, like him. Don’t say I never warned you.

I L-ike You

A couple sit on a blanket together in Hyde Park. She lies on his chest while he strokes her hair. They laugh as he whispers something in her ear. I get very paranoid thinking they can see up my skirt. They cannot.

MAN: You’re great.

WOMAN: [Smiles] Thanks. You’re alright I suppose.

MAN: I, er, I like you.

WOMAN: [sits up] I like you too.

MAN: So are we..?

WOMAN: I guess.

MAN: Are you cool with that?

WOMAN: Definitely. I just have to explain the situation to Tom.

MAN: [Tenses] Who the hell is Tom?

WOMAN: Just this guy I'm seeing. No worries. [She lies back on his chest]

Comments: #awkward. He thought he was well in there, and then it hit him like a hangover – they weren’t on the same page at all. He couldn’t be angry – after all, she technically handn’t done anything wrong, but she’s still a bit of a dick.

Overall Summary: It is scary how much goes on behind the curtains in a relationship. Some couples hate each other, but they have great sex so who cares? Some couples think they’re madly in love, but have absolutely no idea that their other half is philandering, or getting very close to adulterous behaviour, behind their back. And some people have absolutely no idea whether they’re a couple or not.

What does this tell us about the dating world? It’s a treacherous place, full of twists and turns and hidden secrets that keep you constantly on your toes. There is no set “way” to date. There is no definitive “relationship”. We just have to battle on through the weirdos, the dickheads and the obsessives until we find that person that has the same fucked up definition of a relationship as we do.

Final words: Plod along until you find someone hung like Robin Thicke.

Latitude Festival: A Review

Latitude: A Review

I woke up on Saturday morning to the sound of drunk, giggling girls and the notable smell of a particular Class B drug. As I opened my eyes to the lurid pink and green pattern of my newly purchased tent, I groaned.

So this is what festivals are like.

Before last weekend, I had never been to a festival before, but I thought the time had come to get over my fear of sleeping outdoors, public toilets and general greenery when I was offered an amazing opportunity to attend Latitude Festival, in return for this article. 

I drove to Norwich with my friend Charlotte, who had a tent, a penchant for Pimms and a little experience of tenting (which I later found out is called camping - regardless of whether there is a fire or not). After a brief hassle of trying to get into the festival, we were finally in the midst of hundreds of tents, the smell of portable barbecues burning in our noses. It was easy to find a spot next to some strong looking men (one must think about protection from wild animals when sleeping outdoors) and after dumping our stuff on the grass, Charlotte threw our pop-up tent in the air - only for it to come crashing back down to earth. We stared at each other stupidly.

"Let me try," I insisted, as I picked up the mangled pile of material and metal poles. I threw the bundle in the air, only this time, broken bits of pole fell out of the tent lining. We started to laugh - what else could we do? - and sat on the massacred remains of what was once a tent. Then the anger kicked in. Charlotte started cursing her brother who failed to mention that the tent was broken, as I started swearing about effing pop-up tents and false advertising. Hearing our distress, some kind neighbours tried to help before one eloquent gentlemen proclaimed, "Sorry ladies, you're fucked."

Luckily, this was Latitude, and within minutes, I had located another, albeit expensive, functional pop-up tent. And some much needed alcohol. With our new tent intact, it was time to start enjoying ourselves.

After a few glasses of Pimms, we made our way into the woods. Daunting as this may sound, it was the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. Imagine A Midsummer Night's Dream with live music and more wellies. Cascading string lights went from tree to tree, leading the way to the main area of the festival, while random yurts and wooden huts served food and drink. Along the way, artists were putting away their paints, leaving behind some amazing pieces of art that stood in the forest until morning. We passed an outdoor cinema showing some art house movies, before coming to the bridge over the water next to (my personal highlight) some multi-coloured sheep.

The main area of the festival was beyond the forest and was where the bands were playing, where food was served and where little stalls selling everything from glittering pants to fairy wings were dotted around the field. Nighttime frivolities included drag shows, poetry, literature, live music, DJ sets, interpretive dance, cabaret and let's not forget the 40 year old woman with more energy than a firework on speed. Just to be clear, she wasn't technically an act, but enjoyable all the same. My night ended in a dance off with comedian Eric Lampaert before trying to undress another comic, Carl Donnelly. 

Awkwardly, I had no idea who these comedians were before I saw them in the comedy tent the following day. So when Carl mentioned he was performing the next morning, I said, "Cool, me and Charlotte will do the sympathy laughing at the back!" He looked at me for a moment and said, "Erm, I don't think that will be necessary..." At the time, I was too drunk to look ashamed, but my shame attack hit me full on the following morning.

After a coffee run and a shower (only joking, have you seen the showers at festivals?) we made our way to the comedy tent, where we spent most of our time. I realised as I walked into Carl's set why he had given me such a cocky answer the night before: the room was packed, and while he discussed a time where he shit his pants and nearly choked on a crumpet (not at the same time) the tent was filled with laughter and applause, which seemed to be a theme for the talented comics performing at Latitude. 

The arenas and spaces outside the stages were packed as the likes of Everything Everything, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Daughter performed their little hearts out as everyone drunkenly sang along to the hits they knew, and just danced like crazy to the songs they didn't. All in all, the atmosphere at Latitude was, for want of a better word, happy. Everyone was enjoying themselves without ruining anyone else's fun, everyone was friendly, and I have never laughed so hard in such a short space of time. If only that "festival feeling" lasted, I write bitterly as I sit in my office at 7:30am. Honestly, I am really missing Latitude. Apart from the whole tent thing.