Relationship Status: In a Smug Relationship

Spring has sprung, apparently, though wading through the snow last week, I would have never believed it. It's that time of year where birds start a-chirping, lambs start a-birthing and everybody generally gets a little  more a-horny. It's no surprise, therefore, that almost everyone I know is in a relationship.Christmas when you're single can be painful, but at least you can drink through it without much judgement. No such amnesty in April, which perhaps explains this strange yearly phenomenon.

Now, tell me again how to find my clitoris?

It would be bearable, albeit irritating, if we lived in 1922 where couples kissing were seen only in the privacy of people's homes. But we don't. As if it's not bad enough seeing couples necking each other on a park bench, we now have to see it on an escalator, in a bar, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. Bridget Jones was the first to note the debilitating effects that couples can have on the world in her description of 'Smug Marrieds', and not much has changed in terms of the nauseating effects that couples can have. Look couples, it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship, but do you have to be so smug about it?

Smug alert #1
The internet knows you are in a relationship.

Like the weak friend of an alcoholic, the internet is an enabler - of smugness. Just because you now have a boyfriend, you feel the need to "check in" to every single place you go. Oh, how lovely, you went out for afternoon tea! And then to the park?! What a delightful relationship you are in. Gosh, I almost missed that - an entire album on Facebook dedicated to you pulling funny faces in front of your webcam! You cats are crazy!

Elvis Presley has checked in at the Heartbreak Hotel.
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There is something to be said for the fact that if you spend your entire relationship updating the internet on your whereabouts/matching outfits/nutrition, you must not have a whole lot of time left over for the real stuff. But on the other hand, you guys have done a good job in making everyone else feel depressed at how much fun you're having. We can all scorn it, but making funny faces in front of your webcam can be pretty sad when you're on your own.

Smug alert #2
The internet knows the annual income of your boyfriend.

Hey, look at me with my Chanel bag, it's from my boyfriend. Hey, look at me on my boyfriend's private jet. Hey, look at me in my new car, it's from my boyfriend. Hey, look at me instagramming the wreckage of my new car, my boyfriend was totally cool about it and bought me another one. Hey, look at me in this exclusive club with my boyfriend, drinking from a £100 bottle of vodka the size of his penis. Look at me. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!!!

The epitome of "look at me"

It doesn't just reek of desperation, it screams insecurity and despite quality of the wonderful items that are being flaunted, we can't help but feel sorry for the ladies in question. And yes, just the teensiest bit jealous.

Smug alert #3
No one remembers your boyfriend's real name.

We all have nicknames. Some are ones we've been stuck with since school when kids managed to rhyme your name with a bodily function or male genitalia. Either way, I don't know anyone that really likes their nickname - but why do people in relationships insist on it? Couples have nicknames for each other that makes the innocent bystander produce bile against their will. Pukkum Pie? Moomoo? And worst of all - Sausage. For a reason unbeknownst to me, Sausage is a very popular pet name for couples in the Western world. Never mind the fact that it rolls of the tongue, it's the food that looks most like a penis.

Perhaps nicknames are a way for serial monogamists to never get the name of their partner wrong, or perhaps there's something about the cute factor of a sausage that I just don't get. Regardless of the reason for it, will the offenders please just stop it. STOP IT, ya hear?

I suppose everyone has the right to be smug in their respective relationships, because everyone deserves to be happy and to get that moment where they think, "I am so lucky I found him/her." But then the rest of us have a right to mock vomit in a waste paper basket at everyone else's happiness.

Alright, I'm bitter, now bugger off.