Christmas: Single vs. In a Relationship

Ah, Christmas, we know it well. Having gone through the tidings for 20+ years, we know the drill; family arguments, crappy presents, a dwindling bank account and let's not forget that extra 3lbs that takes 3 days to gain and 3 months to lose.

Is it any wonder that suicide rates double during the holiday season?



Anyway, I'm not one to be depressing during the festive period - I am a Catholic after all - so let's get to the point of this festive article.

If, during Christmas, your mind wonders to that oh-so-familiar opening scene in Bridget Jones "Bridget, you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz," don't panic.  Christmas doesn't have to be as bad for singletons as years of Richard Curtis films have led us to believe. The reason I feel the need to mention this, is because, I think for the first time, each and every one of my friends is in a relationship. Or at least somewhere between married and dating. What? No embarrassing stories from the office party to regale us with over Christmas drinks? No reviews of the latest must-have sex toy?

Definitely too much filling.

Not this year. This year, we discussed our troubles when eating sandwiches, how sometimes we can't be bothered, and sometimes, when eating a whole sandwich, it can be nauseating, especially if there's too much filling. Sandwich, is of course, a euphemism (there were small children around). What has happened to us?

Single and Ready to Mingle Christmas


When you're single, you can go out clubbing on Christmas Eve, flirt inappropriately with the person you shake hands with at Midnight Mass - "and peace be with you..." - and not have to worry about all the annoyances you have to deal with when you have the aforementioned partner.

The Saturday night before Christmas is the time to dust off that Slutty Santa outfit (oh, come on, we all have one) and pucker up under loose strands of mistletoe dotted around every dingy pub in England. The Sunday after is the time you really regret kissing Ben from accounts, but it's okay because your friends can cheer you up with a mince pie and yet more mulled wine. And you can bet that one of them will have done something more embarrassing than you. (Except if you're me - I'm that girl.)

The PG version of what really happened at the Christmas party.
It's OK. What happens under the mistletoe, stays under the mistletoe.

Okay, so I suppose it can be quite nice to see the Christmas lights, and get a bit romantic after a few glasses of Veuve, but there are definitely some cons to being shacked up at Christmas.

Matching Jumpers Christmas

When you're in a relationship, you have to worry about getting a gift that hits the perfect balance between "I think you're great" and "But please God don't ask me to marry you". You have to get waxed at the time of the year where you're feeling the most wobbly and, to be frank, need the warmth wherever you can get it. You have to go for the mandatory Christmas Drink with his friends who will relentlessly discuss sport and/or The Hobbit while you nod enthusiastically.You have to spend time with his family including his flagrantly racist grandmother who perpetually confuses the word "fork" with "fuck" without even realising it, bless her racially intolerant socks.

By far the worst thing about being in a relationship at Christmas is the expectation. It is such a family oriented time of year, that the relationship you are in at Christmas immediately becomes a "big deal", as that is the person that your parents will remember until next year, vomiting in the shrubbery after too much champagne. Nice.

In the end, it was that glass wine that ruined him. Luckily,
it ruined his jumper too.

The real pain of it is, that everyone single at Christmas wishes they had someone to buy a gift for, someone to snuggle up to in front of a shitty Christmas film and someone to see in the new year with. And as much as we all complain about boys, they are quite nice to have around from time to time, because with all the cons of being with someone at Christmas, there are some cracking pros.

(Excuse the Christmas pun, but I've done so well, give me some slack.)

The 5 Most Bizarre Shops in the World

1. Pope Street, Rome

A while ago, I got lost in the city of Rome. I found myself down a street I'd never been on before and as I wandered along, I saw some distinctly 80s looking mannequins in the window, complete with blue eye shadow, false eye lashes and bright red lips. Thinking that this was the street that time forgot, I had to stop. These mannequins were wearing wimples. It seemed that on my aimless wandering, I discovered the place where priests and nuns bought their vestments. The garish displays were filled with gold and purple and boasted long candlesticks, incense burners and the most beautiful silver goblets. It was the most bizarre row of shops I have ever seen and, I couldn't help it, I got the giggles, which was quickly followed by a severe bout of Catholic guilt. The worst part was, I have never been able to find it since and nor has anyone else I have told about it. The only thing I do know is that my imagination isn’t creative enough to make up a street like this.

Postcards, tobacco and vestments. Just your standard Roman corner shop.

2. The Bone Shop, New York

A great metropolis like New York is bound to house some of the wackiest shops in the world, but this is definitely the strangest shop I have seen. The Bone Shop sells, err, bones, including skulls with the horns still attached. It also sells fossils and insects, and  what’s more, if you’re not taking a trip to NYC anytime soon, bones and other assorted weird things are available for you to buy online. With prices reaching nearly $400, it seems that committed bone collectors are the prime audience of The Bone Shop, which has absolutely nothing to do with Angelina Jolie, sorry to disappoint.

Yep. Bones. And T-shirts that say "My friend went to the bone shop and
all I got was this lousy... Actually, I'd rather the T-shirt."

3. Deyrolle, Paris

While London has many taxidermist shops to compliment the most stuffy of upper-class homes, Deyrolle in Paris plays host to the most bizarre display of stuffed animals in Europe. As if stuffed animals aren’t shivers-down-your-spine-scary enough, the animals that are large enough are wearing human clothes. What’s worse, most of the animals are stuffed in a pose, for example an elephant swinging his trunk, an eagle mid-flight, and even cute white rabbits poised to spring on their hind legs. Deyrolle is by far the most creepy shop in Paris, and is amazingly popular with stuffed animal collectors, yep they exist, and those wanting to bring an edge into their home. Deyrolle will certainly not appeal to everyone, and taxidermy is probably best left in the Bates Motel.

That's a nice, erm, trunk you've got.

4. Trashy Lingerie, Los Angeles

This underwear shop in Los Angeles does what it says on the tin. A favourite haunt of glamour model Katie Price, Trashy Lingerie offers underwear for every occasion, using materials from PVC to pure silk. The thing that makes Trashy Lingerie more bizarre is that fact that it is absolutely exclusive. There is a yearly fee to join up and a celebrity following including Cameron Diaz and Winona Rider, making Trashy Lingerie one of the most glamorous places to go for some not-so-glamorous underwear. Well, whatever floats your boat.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

5. The Old Curiosity Shop, London

This London based shoe shop is a far cry from your Office or Kurt Geiger. The Old Curiosity Shop specialises in the unique, the edgy and the downright weird with collections including shoes with cork-stoppers (Big Foot for Smelly Foot) and furry shoes with laces (Hog Toe Cat). It is not only the odd collection of shoes that makes The Old Curiosity Shop so wonderfully strange, it is also the shop itself. According to the shop's website, the building is the original Old Curiosity Shop, as written about by Charles Dickens. The building survived both the Great Fire of 1666 and the Blitz in World War II, making it one of the most durable, as well as historic buildings in London. The new owner, shoe designer Daita Kimora, decided to keep the interior as it was, complete with winding staircases and an innate feeling of stepping back in time. Don't let the bizarre nature of this shop fool you - Kimora's shoes have graced many a Vogue magazine and are very popular amongst the fashion elite.

Say fashion, one more time.

Moving Back Home

I like to think of myself as a generally mentally stable person. A little kooky maybe, but medically and psychologically sane. Over the next few months, my sanity will be pushed further to the brink, perhaps never to return. The very serious matter of which I speak is something that most of us have had to go through, and from which many of us never recover: moving back in with your parents.

It doesn't matter whether you've been at university, been travelling or are suddenly hard up and need to live rent free for while, the effect is always the same; Crippling self loathing and an overwhelming desire to commit murder, ideally involving your parents/guardians and a freak poisonous blow-fish incident. Joke. [Just in case my parents do happen to die in a freak blow-fish incident, this should not be counted as lawful evidence against me.]

What do you mean I'm tasty with Wasabi?

Universally people hate moving back in with their parents and it can be for a number of reasons, and through flawless and thorough research, I have the top reasons (and their effects) below.

All The Questions
They seem harmless, but they're not. This is something that you should always bear in mind when answering a question put to you by either of your parents: there is always subtext. See some common examples below:

Where are you going? = Will you be drinking?
Who are you going with? = Will you be having sex afterwards?
What time will you be home? = How long can I walk around naked for?

Answering without thinking can have serious consequences: "Oh so you will be around to entertain your grandmother while we drink gin in the utility room!" And don't even think that they'll save any for you.

A recent survey, that was definitely not fabricated for the purpose of this article, revealed that the top worst question that a parent can ask a re-mover (one that has re-moved in) is...

Where were you last night?
Your brain goes into overdrive while you think of the right thing to say.

Last night you were dancing on the table at an office function before going to a karaoke bar where you sang your best rendition of 'When a Man Loves a Woman' and eventually wound up at a student flat somewhere in Shoreditch. You missed your last train and had to sleep on a random sofa with a questionable stain on the cushion before vomiting into the funnel you were chugging beer from at 4am.

You're the one in the baseball cap. What were you thinking??

Obviously you don't give the honest answer so you blurt out the perfect answer: "I worked late, went out for dinner with a millionaire potential husband and stayed a childhood friend's house." Or so you thought. [pause] "What childhood friend? Err..." This is the time where you get the "while you're under my roof" speech, usually lasting between 15 and 160 minutes.

Tip: Invent a person who lives close to the office and use them as your excuse for everything. Why are you late? Jim kept me back. Why do you smell of alcohol and it's only 7pm? Jim has a problem. Why did you email me a photocopy of your bottom? It's Jim's bottom. Jim emailed Dad instead of Dan. From my account.

Pay Rent or Pay Your Dues
So you've done the ironing - in prison terms, you've given the tough black guy 200 cigarettes - you can sit back, relax and watch TV, right? Wrong.

I hate to tell you this, but you get buggered a lot in this film.

Until you treat your parents like landlords, i.e. pay them an extortionate amount of money while you sit in a freezing cold room with a dripping tap, you are not entitled to homely comforts you had when you were a teenager. Big Bang Theory marathon on Sunday mornings? Forget it. Ordering pizza at 3am? Think again. There are a whole new set of rules now that you are an "adult" so cough up and move out or contribute around the house for a little slack.

Note: No matter how much cooking/cleaning/crying you manage, conjugal visits are off the table.

Darling, Stay Out Late Tonight
There is one thing that you never want to know about your parents, and that is that they still do it like teenagers as soon as they hear the front door close. So when they want you out the house for 'alone time' beginning the ever familiar sentence, "you're old enough now to know what goes on between a man and a woman when they're in love..." Tell them to shut the front door, grab essentials including paper bag for hyperventilation and vomiting, and - shut the front door.

Three hours should do it.

You're [insert age here] years old!
We've all heard it, from our parents, most often when we're doing something particularly immature like seeing how many digestive biscuits you can balance on the cat's head while he's sleeping. (I defy anyone to beat 6.) It can also hit us when we're doing something a little too mature than they're ready to deal with.

Tip: The perfect retort is: What were you doing when you were my age? The answer will indefinitely be worse than what you're doing at your age (have you seen what drugs they took in the 70s?) and will make them stop and think, for at least a minute.

One thing to remember is that as much as you want to move out/poison your parents, there isn't a day goes by (probably when you're balancing biscuits on the cat's head) that they don't look back on the day of your conception, sigh deeply, and think, "Should have used a condom."