Olympics Shalympics

So the Olympics officially opened yesterday to what can only be described as an awkward start. Tens of thousands of people swarmed in Central London to mark the beginning of the historic event London has been preparing for for years. Good ol' Boris dove straight in by mentioning Spain's economic problems before grinning manically at the cameras, occasionally letting out a strangled cheer and a vague allusion of happiness, pride and great anticipation. Everyone cheering took a second to look at each other. "If we scream loudly, no one will notice what a shambles this is going to be."

After an appaling exit from Euro 2012 as England were defeated by the Italians, followed by Andy Murrays crashing defeat to Roger Federer, it has become clear: Britain doesn't win sports. That's okay though, because it's the taking part that counts. However, London is actually hosting the event, so it's not just pressure on the sportsmen, it is pressure on everyone in charge and the cracks have already started to show.


First it was G4S, staring at their shoes and admitting, "actually, we still need over 3,000 people to work security... mumblemumble." Next, it was border control threatening strike action and, in a related incident, an 11-year-old boy managing to get to Rome without a passport or boarding pass. Hell, if I knew it was that easy, I would be there right now. And, to top off the embarrassing list of Britain's headlines over the past few weeks, the next US President doesn't think we can pull it off either.

After Mitt Romney expressed his doubts about London's abilities to successfully host the Olympic Games, David Cameron responded by saying "Yeah, well, at least we're doing it in a city and not in the middle of nowhere like you did, Mitt 'Millions' Romney." So, I paraphrased. In what has turned into a playground fight between Britain and the US, Boris Johnson had the last laugh yesterday when he told crowds gathered in Hyde Park, "I hear there's a guy called Mitt Romney who wants to know if we are ready. Are we ready?" The Mayor of London was met with a resounding yes from the crowd, though whether London is ready remains to be seen over the next sixteen days. The funniest thing about all this? The Washington Post thinks Johnson was joking around during his Olympic speech. No, no America, he's really like that.

Am I the only person that has not been infected by what Boris Johnson has coined 'Olympomania'?



I know people that have spent four figures trying to get a ticket to the Olympic Games. I know people that have travelled far and wide to get to London. Whatever for?

Many of you will answer that simple question with a simple answer: for making history. The Olympics are indeed the most prestigious games, though those well remembered are often remembered for the wrong reasons: pissed of dictators and terrorist attacks. There is no denying that London 2012 is a historic event, and in years to come you may look back in pride and say, "I was there when Bolt won." However, in years to come, your memories of the Olympics will be told to your bored grandchildren who have to sit through your "and then, I swear it, his sweat splattered on me in the crowd," at least 28 times. 

"Interesting if true. But I know you're bullshitting, Grandma."

Yes, this article has much to do with my own feelings towards sports and exercise, and yes, most people will not care for my opinion. I'm not saying that I won't watch the Olympics at all, but it might be just to watch Tom Daley diving without feeling like an incorrigible pervert.

Fifty Shades of Disappointment

I always love to snuggle up with a good book on a rainy day, and since rainy days have been in abundance the last few weeks, it was a fantastic time to catch up with my reading. More specifically: the Fifty Shades trilogy. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I couldn't finish the Fifty Shades trilogy. I got to the beginning of the third book, when I thought, I think there's something better I could be doing with my time... How about a slating review? Good plan, Stan.

I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey determined to love it. It took 36 pages for me to hate it.

My first problem? You can't read it in public or anywhere near your parents. Even on a kindle, the tell tale blush on your face means everyone knows what you're reading and your furtive glances at fellow tube passengers only confirms it. But this, dear readers, is only the tip of the iceberg...

Christian Grey

Our first meeting of Christian Grey had me thinking of a Robert Pattinson lookalike, what with his wealth, arrogance and vaguely described beauty. As the first book goes on, and more and more is revealed about Mr Grey and his domineering ways, in my mind at least, his face became more gnarled, he grew a little shorter and began to take on the appearance of Tom Cruise as portrayed by South Park: the epitome of a pretty little psychopath.

From the start, we can see that Christian Grey is not your regular kind of fling. After he takes Anastasia's virginity and has her in the palm of his hand, he whips out his psychotic sex contract. Yes, reader, you read that right. Included in the contract are mentions of scary things like anal fisting and caning, and the rather more important matter of agreeing to be a sex slave for a period of three months. Like I said, pretty little psychopath.

As the author reveals more about the twisted mind of Christian Grey, the constant fucking - clear terminology is set out from the beginning - turns into a freak show, and as I continued to read, I did not feel turned on as so many of my friends had promised. I felt uncomfortable.

And please, a grammatically incorrect catch phrase that he stole from his brother? Lame doesn't even cover it. Laters baby my arse.

Seriously, I am.

Anastasia Steele

There is something so undeniably wrong about the central relationship in Fifty Shades which boils down to the female character. The author gives us a rather insignificant female lead who drinks weak tea, works in a boring shop and wears pig tails at the age of 21. It is easy to believe how she could be lured into some weird sex game with a crazed psychopath who happens to have a killer body, but just because it's believable doesn't mean it makes good reading.

Anastasia is plain, boring and weak. Too weak. She barely has an opinion of her own, she has never - never - found another man attractive and, what really gets me: she has never touched her own vagina. From the description, she dresses like a 14 year old, doesn't wear make up and needs a friend to help her shave her armpits. Considering I am in the same age bracket, and having met my fair share of 21-year-olds, I have never met anyone like that. Not even the smelly girl who always sat in front of me in second year was immune to the charms of men. The fact that this girl is so socially inept, sexually backwards, and doesn't know the basics of female grooming had me thinking of a girl much younger than she actually was, and I couldn't help feeling that the Christian/Anastasia relationship was sinister rather than sexy.

The Storyline

The main point to be made here is, what storyline? I read the first of the Fifty Shades trilogy and once I'd reached the half way point, I realised... nothing whatsoever has happened. Okay, so that may be a little harsh.

The story line of Fifty Shades of Grey is as follows:

Boy meets girl

Boy has sex with girl

Boy does kinky shit to girl

Boy buys girl car

Boy has sex with girl

Boy does kinky shit to girl

Boy has sex with girl

Boy is complicated

Girl is frustrated

Boy does kinky shit to girl

Boy has sex with girl

Boy does hardcore kinky shit to girl

They break up.

I threw down the book when I reached the last page. Seriously? I moaned on Twitter at the half-way point and I was promised it "gets addictive". This was a cruel lie, and for those of you who haven't read the books yet, you would do well to remember that.

"I just learned to read but... Holy shit, is that how bad writing can get?!"

The Sex

I'm not a professional novelist. I have never made a character come to life. And I have never thought of a plot for a book/series/other. But writing about sex? I shall be so bold as to claim this is something I know a thing or two about.

There is no denying that the Fifty Shades books are raunchy and, on occasion, the sex scenes sound like something I would definitely like to participate in. For the most part, however, the sex scenes are either incredibly repetitive (yes, we know you like it when it touches your boobies, Anastasia), mind-numbingly boring, or totally unbelivable.

Throughout the series of books, Christian never has a problem holding his end of the bargain, if you catch my drift, and neither does Anastasia fake a headache in favour of an early night. And, what I find the most frustrating: they climax at the same time every single time. That golden moment is a rare treat for most people, and I think I speak for the masses when I say… what about fanny farts? Nothing embarrassing ever happens in when Christian and Anastasia are in bed bed, and every time they have sex it is a blissful ideal comparable to a Hollywood creation only seen in the movies. Come on, E. L. James, we all know better than that.

And then there's the kinky shit. Call me vanilla, but as soon as I walk into a room my subconscious calls The Red Room of Pain, I am out of there faster than you can say "nipple clamps". Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's fun when the guy is the dominant one (small d) and the odd bit of kinky tomfoolery is sometimes the boost you need for a lacking sex life, but there is one quite serious matter I can't get over. He beats her with a belt until she cries, and she goes back to him. Sure he buys her gifts, sure he's hot, and she's totally in love with him, but that right there is the essence of an abusive relationship.

Conclusions

All in all, I hate Fifty Shades of Grey and it is absolutely beyond me why so many people are addicted to it. If I were to self-analyse (which I won't) I would say that the reason I can't stand the Fifty Shades books is because of my personal preferences in the bedroom. I don't have a Red Room of Pain, but if I did, let's just say I'd be the one with the key. Fifty Shades readers, stop reading about it and go out there and do it, put down your books and get yourself to the bedroom. It’s time to unleash your mojo.

50 Shades of Grey: What's All The Fuss About?

Like the Twilight Saga, 50 Shades of Grey has quickly become a phenomenon across the English speaking world. Filled with eroticism, sexual tension and some pretty kinky shit, Fifty Shades has sold 20 million copies world wide and has even surpassed our scar-headed friend Harry Potter in being the fastest selling paper back series of all time. It has also been credited with the sale of sex toys doubling over the last year.


Quite a feat.


The response to the books have not been wholly positive, however, with some groups arguing that the book is degrading to women in the submissive treatment of the main female character. And, of course, Christian groups have jumped on the bandwagon, with one Christian writer going so far as to explore the sexual tastes of, err, Jesus.


"Christ is not into domination, control, abuse, and humiliation."


He isn't? Well thanks for clearing that up, Dannah Gresh. I have a hard time thinking about what Christ is "into" (roll on waves of Catholic guilt) but I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to think about it.


I've heard some good things from friends, however, with one of my friends saying that she felt "naughty" reading it on the beach while another really convinced me to put my reading glasses on: 


"Stef, it's pure filth. You'd love it."


On that note, it looks like I'd better get reading. Watch this space for reviews, insights and opinions on the Fifty Shades books as I embark on a literary adventure into the darkest and dirtiest thoughts that have enthralled 20 million people.