Loose Men

"He's too loose." Were the wise words spoken by my friend after a particular boyfriend had failed, yet again, to make any decisive response to the question I had been uttering for weeks. And it took some damn balls too.

"Do you think we should be exclusive?"
"Well, ahem, er, thing is, umm, Stef-" lots of coughing, sighing and not looking at me directly, "we basically are anyway, aren't we? So err, it's fine the way it is. Isn't it?" Silence. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear, "isn't it?" and proceeded to kiss my neck, and lips.
"Yes, yes, I suppose s'fine, mmm..." I managed to mumble.

But the question haunted me for a further couple of weeks until I finally managed to get him to agree to exclusivity by subtly mentioning that I was meeting an ex boyfriend for drinks and dinner.
"Is he staying at yours after?" He asked, his big hazel eyes looking at me expectantly.
"Well I guess we'll see how the evening goes. But probably. You know how I get after a glass of wine." And the deal, as it were, was sealed. (In case you didn't realise, I can be quite the manipulative bitch.)

That relationship came and went when I realised his commitment issues would never get resolved under my watch, particularly with my lack of patience. For example, a Facebook relationship status was a no-no, despite the fact that all our mutual friends knew what was going on. Or when summer came around and the topic of holidays came up, he never seemed to have enough money, yet came across some fiscal fortune that would pay for his Interrailing trip with friends. And another classic; though I was promised I would meet his friends, it was never the right time but apparently they were "dying" to meet me. What's that smell? Oh yes, the ever identifiable stench of bullshit.

Previous to this mostly insignificant relationship, I have never actually had a 'commitment phobe' as a boyfriend. Well, to be fair, I only had one proper relationship before that, and that guy was the ready-to-settle-down-and-have-babies type. Though I should mention the guy before that, who dumped me because he was bored, (dick) but told me it was because he was gay (bigger dick) in order to end it swiftly while sparing my feelings. Granted, at the time, it did. But when I found out the truth, I was not a happy bunny. But in a triumphant twist, the gay rumors never really stopped, and even now, when he pops up in conversation, the title remains.
"Ah, haven't seen him in ages, how is he?"
"Gay." Several people pipe up.
Cue a chorus of laughter and a smug smile from yours truly.
Hmm. I seem to have gotten sidetracked. Ah. Commitment phobes.

There is another guy I know, who I used to be really close to (and who I used to have a teeny crush on) who was scared of commitment like he was scared of spiders. Then he found a girl who managed to change him, just like that, and he was in a relationship for a pretty long time. But then he contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago just saying this:

Hey Stef
What's up? I'm on a break at the moment... To be honest, I just can't imagine doing stuff with anyone else.

Umm. Right. A proposition for intercourse, and not so delicately put. After getting offended and flustered in that Austrian manner of mine, we talked and it turns out he's actually really upset about the relationship ending and totally besotted with this girl who ended things with him for the foreseeable future.

Even so, it doesn't exactly inspire confidence that at the first opportunity loose men that have been tightened up roll back to their loose ways. Which begs the question- are loose men forever loose? Hundreds of thousands of people have pondered this question, but most have reached the conclusion that men are simple creatures, much like dogs or sea monkeys (which I'm still not entirely convinced exist) and therefore cannot be changed. But it is my opinion that men are like springs. They can be warped to be a little tighter, but if you let go for just one second, they spring back to the looseness that is inherently part of them.

I also have a theory that men believe women find this sort of aloofness attractive. Do they know that applying the phrase "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" to their relationships results in resentment from their girlfriends? Do they also know that "mean" does not involve pretending to be seriously busy with work stuff when they're actually playing COD? (Yes, some of us have discovered 'COD' is not a sudden worldwide interest in fish. And some of us have only discovered this recently.) Do they really believe that flirting with other girls will provoke a positive reaction for the girl they like? Do they expect a "honey, you making me feel insignificant, worthless and jealous for no reason made me realise how much I want to be with you forever"? Being loose is ultimately the most unattractive quality in a man- you heard it here first.

Equally, it can be said that men that are too 'tight' can be equally as repulsive to the average female. After a long and stressful day, the last thing you need is a man down the end of the phone getting paranoid about what you said to his best friend the other night.
"It wasn't so much what you said, it was how you said it."
Arrrrghhhhh.

The lesser of the two evils? Of course, as always with the important questions in life (and because I'm a woman), there is no right answer. So, sorry boys. You can't do anything right.