Revision Rodent
Have you ever been in your university library at the dead of night? No, not for a sneaky deserted book aisle tryst, but to actually try and get some work done? Well, then you will have undoubtedly met the Revision Rodent. They are so called because they are nocturnal, eat rodent like food, most often nuts or seeds, they all tend to all have the same sort of mousy (or ratty) appearance, and are shockingly quick in movement. You see that- whoooah, you'll never catch that suspicious screen saver on their phone- in and out the pocket like a flash!
Advice: Do not sit next to one. Not only will they make you feel frantic and panicked, they will also most likely steal your shit in so flash a movement you'll have no idea until they're gone.
Is that another tube of fruit pastilles in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Otherwise known as constant never waning snackers, these people just don't give their mouths a rest. The funny thing is, they never ever speak. Their jaws just gyrate constantly with the next vending machine snack (see V for Vendetta... Against the Vending Machine) while they stare incessantly at the screen. Chomp chomp chew type swallow type type type chomp chew swallow. Quite the symphony, if you haven't had the pleasure of hearing one of these bad boys all to yourself. The iPod, I think, is essential here, otherwise it's a hop, skip and a jump to murder in the first degree and regular loving sessions with your cell mate Babo.
Advice: If you are lacking an iPod, choose your moment and take a seat next to one of these right after they have opened the next confectionery delight. Also take the opportunity to do something chivalrous, for example, clean the computer screen, spray the surrounding area with pungent perfume or even pull out their chair- even if they're already sitting on it. They will realise you mean well and will without doubt let you enjoy a variety of yummy snacks residing in the pockets of their cargo pants.
V for Vendetta... Against the Vending Machine
We all know the drill. You're working hard, then bam! Out of nowhere you can't stop thinking about something completely unrelated to what you're supposed to be learning about; the Nauri Decree, how many calories were in your dinner, or Henry VIII's 6 wives. You know there are three Catherines. It is at this time you hit the vending machines for a coke or a little su'n su'n to nibble. Now me, I'm a vending machine queen, ain't no packet of crisps got stuck under my watch, but sometimes those damn machines can be hard to extract anything from and despite putting in extra money and shaking the machine, there are people that fail like a liquored up lover trying to get wood.
There was this one girl, and you'll excuse me for saying she was not on the small side (just trying to give you a mental picture) and she put in the money, as you do, typed in the code, as you do, and suddenly, her face contorted in pain. I expected her to let out an anguished squeal, but she composed herself and tried again. Checking the buttons carefully, she put in another load of change.
"Angghhhrrrraaah." She hissed, like a rabid dog/cat/monkey.
She proceeded to hit the vending machine, first at the front, then on the side- I tell you, it was like watching Mike Tyson trying to fight a sturdy oak- next it was an upper cut, slotting her hand inside the flap and trying to grab something, anything, to satiate her hunger, lack of concentration, and now rage. Noticing me staring, she straightened up and smoothed down her hair. But not before kicking the bottom corner and turning back to do some more work did she concede, saying to me, "s'not working," before whipping a chocolate bar out her bag. Huh? My sentiments exactly.
Advice: If you are confronted with problems with the vending machine, accept defeat in the hands of a machine and call it a truce. If you are confronted with an enraged vending machine-ee, turn in the opposite direction. Then, like a granny with a visor and cup of nickels in Las Vegas, grab your change and see if you can steal their chocolate bar. It really is the small victories in life, isn't it?
Eager Beaver
Cigarette break? Slow amble to the god forsaken vending machines? Not for these people. You will recognise them by the fort they make around their work stations. There are piles of paper, folders and notebooks complete with cans of energy drinks and packets of crisps surrounding them in a rigid formation. They are the ones frantically typing, even whilst swigging from a can of Red Bull- an impressive life skill crucial in any future work situation.
Advice: Start playing jenga with their work fort and then feign ignorance when they breathlessly tell you that this is not a game and you have now ruined their lives.
"But why else would you pile a can of Coke, a can of Red Bull and a not very clearly labelled folder of loose notes if it were not some kind of challenge?"
Squirrels
No, not one, but two. There are always two. They natter away at each other like, err, squirrels, loudly and incessantly.
Advice: Avoid at all costs. If you are unlucky to be in a position where you are near a couple of squirrels, begin to cough, not in an impertinent manner, but rather in a hacking fashion. Then, repeat after me;
"Should have sorted out this contagious illness, really," cough louder, sputter a little, "but it's not the cough that bothers me that much," shift on your chair and grimace in pain, clenching your buttocks, "it's the damn rash."
Silence, a quick rustle of a papers and they'll be gone.
Ain't Got no Gorm
They'll sit, staring into space, chewing on the end of their pen for eight to ten minutes at a time, before glancing at the computer screen, noting down a few words and then use their pen as a scratching device for their back. This is not work. This is not even procrastination. This is not cool. Because while other revision types already mentioned can be annoying, sure, they at least give you work guilt when you're staring and getting quietly agitated enough to snap your pen in half. But these people- these people- don't even make you feel like you should be getting on with work, they make you feel confused, they make you feel lazy and they make you fabricate unlikely and often insane reasons as to why they bothered to come in in the first place.
- Well obviously he came in because he just cheated on his girlfriend with a man and is now confused about his sexuality and just had to come to the archaeology section of the library to mull it all over.
- Maybe her mind is like a sponge and while it looks like she's just sitting there sleeping with her eyes open, she's absorbing everything and is actually a genius. Wait- did she put a 'gh' in 'beaughty'?
- Of course, he's got photographic memory. (I don't care how many people tell me this is a real thing- it's bullshit. And totally unfair.)
The worst thing is, it is these people that sit there distracting you with their nothingness that end up passing everything and saying, "well, I was in the library, like, every day." GAAAAAAAAAH!
Advice: Poke one aggressively in the ribs and see what happens. I've never tried it but I have a feeling it's a great way to unleash your frustration and possibly even make a new friend.
Skunks
So, you wake up in the morning, have a shower, brush your teeth, maybe moisturise, maybe put on make up and then put on deodorant. Yes. You put on deodorant because you are a considerate person who wants to keep your friends until you lost interest in them. You are not, kind reader, the person who 'forgets to change the top they've slept in for three nights' or 'didn't notice there was vomit on their shoes' or, quite simply, has no respect for others, which is the second most important factor when it comes to personal hygiene. The first, obviously, is to keep clean for the reason that Johnny Depp might randomly sit on the train next to you and ask you to a flashy dinner followed by passionate love making. Also a reason to wear matching/intact underwear, by the way.
I don't know whether mental work makes some people sweaty, but this is clearly the case for some of you and I urge you please to take some precautions and perhaps bring with you some nice smelling spray, or perhaps dangle a car freshener from each ear. People will think you're so hipster.
Advice: Have a sneezing fit. The smelly person will ask if you are okay and you will respond with, "yeah, sorry, I just have allergies to some kinds of deodorant."
"But I'm not wearing deodorant."
"You disgust me." Then, move away. Some people may consider that rude, but I consider it a total symbol of disrespect to humanity if you do not ensure you smell acceptable in the small confined spaces of the library.
But then I realised. I'm the weirdo that's not paying attention to her work, and turning around and staring at other people before laughing to herself and taking another swig of her energy drink.
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